Letters to the Editor

• Do People Just Read Into Letters What They Want?

  [Read the article: My son is almost 30 and won't leave home]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  I think I made if fairly clear that the anxiety the son faces will only increase as he avoids taking control of his life, and that he absolutely should move out, and that no matter how scared he is, staying with him mom is only worse.

  However, there’s also such a thing as empathy. And as someone who suffered much the same problems as he does, I can articulate his fears even while saying, quite clearly and repeatedly, that these fears must not be allowed to dominate his life and he must get out on his own. I myself am out on my own. Guess what? At the first obstacle, my folks—the one's who have gone on like LW about how they can't keep taking care of me and how I have to stand on my own—started up with "you have to come home. This will never work and we're terrified about you're future. Come back and do something sensible so that you can support youself." Do you get the contradiction? The talking out of both sides of their mouths? I have faced this since my late teens: being told I have to get out and make a life, but then having every attempt shot down, criticized, and covered with so much anxiety I did not know how to move forward. I wonder if there are similar contradictions in LW’s life. When she says he has to leave, but she’s let him stay even as he approaches his thirties, it becomes obvious that she is not helping him, and that his development has been seriously hampered.

  Anyone who thinks I believe the son has a “right” to live there, or that mom is just being mean, is completely missing my point. Yes, she absolutely should be firm. She should also be honest and say “My example has been a series of mixed messages leaving you with no direction. But you must go now.” I DEARLY wish my folks had done the same.

  My point is solely to explicate his psychological position. We’re formed by our environment. This man’s environment is one where talk of responsibility has been entirely hypothetical, while at the same time the economics of our country have made taking responsibility much much more difficult. I’m saying, understand what created this situation. I am not saying endorse it. I hope that man gets the confidence to get out, and I hope the mom gives him a push in that direction by pushing him out the door.

  Now for individual responses:

  Blackvegan,

  I think you misread me. And I think your aunt did the right thing. I don’t think you understand the psychological baggage a person carries when he or she has been raised as I was (and, I suspect, the LW’s son was). However, I totally agree with you that each person has to decide when he or she is an adult, and sooner is always better than later. Ultimately, no matter my or anyone else’s past, it’s up to us to make things work now. I don’t blame my parents, at all. I think they did their best, and while I think bad choices were made, I know their goal was always to produce a self-sufficient, successful son. By the way, I don’t live with my folks. I live halfway across the country from them. I realized that if I was going to make it, I had to cut the cord, and the best way to do that was to do it drastically.

  Spankerton,

  I think if you’re going to define the son as abusive, you have to define the mother similarly. She’s made him believe supporting himself was not necessary until now, she encouraged him to pamper himself and take it easy, now she’s finding she lead him down a blind alley. Now she’s telling him “I can’t afford you, you have to make it on your own.” She placed a rug over a gaping whole, and now while he stands on it, she’s whisking it away. Kind of a form of mental torture.

  But that’s only if you want to define either of these people as abusive. I don’t think either of them are. He has no self-esteem, and she’s allowed him to believe that all this talk about supporting himself is just talk. I think that she cares and worries and so backs down is pretty understandable. I think his response is also totally understandable. No excuse to stay in that house. No excuse for mom to keep footing the bills. But in neither response (he knows he should move out, but yells at her for the suggestion; she knows she should have made him leave long ago, but she never actually did that) do I see abuse.

  Capitalist Pig,

  risk is good

  I totally agree. That’s why I don’t live at home, that’s why my conclusion was aimed at the LW’s son, or any of the many people facing this issue. Risk is a good think. There are rewards for risk, and a great deal of self-confidence to be gained, as well as other more material considerations.

  Permalink Wednesday, September 5, 2007 01:54 PM