Letters to the Editor

• It's fear. I know because I'm essentially the son. (I hope people are still reading/contributing to this column.)

  [Read the article: My son is almost 30 and won't leave home]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  First of all, to the people who talk about how "independent" they were as Boomer teens/twentysomethings. You are so not accepting the economic situation of today. It has nothing to do with being spoiled and having to have Ipods, etc. It has to do with the tremendous cost of living. It's very overwhelming in a way that I don't think people understand. Nor do you understand the difficulty of getting a full-time job: companies don't want to pay insurance, so they hire through temp services, keep other employees under 40 hrs a week and otherwise "manage costs" in ways that make economic survival a tough road for their employees. I don't at all mean to say this is impossible, just that the situation in terms of costs and financial options is very different that what it has been throughout most of this country's history (I think the period after the Civil War is probably the most commensurate; Gen Xers should study this time so they understand others have been through this struggle, and maybe to develop some pyschological tools).

  For the people calling the son abusive: you have no clue what abuse is. He's not getting violent. He's freaking out. This isn't about control or about selfishnes: it's about fear, and it's a perfect example of how fear can destroy a person—and how one absolutely cannot give into this.

  In your twenties, it looks so overwhelming. So you stay at home. And remember what poverty is for young people today. It's not living without an Ipod (I've never owned one; and I don't have a t.v. right now, either); it's about living next door to a crack house, in neighborhoods where you can get jumped. That's what poverty is in America today.

  So you're terrified of where and how you'll live, and you remain in you're parents' house...and it only makes the problem worse. Because in your mid-20's you say "Well, there's a whole crop of college graduates now, younger and not expected to have any experience and they'll get the job first." So you remain in your parents' house as you enter your thirties. And then you see the people who took the plunge back when you were just out of college, and you realize that you could have been okay by now if you'd taken the chance, but you didn't. And you worry how employers will look at some 30 year old who wants a job usually more appropriate for someone 21. And so you remain in your parents' house. And then you wonder as you get into your late 30's what chance an employer will take with someone starting so late (how far up the latter do they think such a person can climb? what amount of time are they putting into training this person, and will the company make it back in terms of this person's longevity?). And the fears increase and increase. And you're still in your parents' house.

  It's a very difficult situation. I don't know what LW's attitude is toward her son. I experienced some personal tragedy at the time when most people start to make their own lives, which I think played a part, but I think the bulk of my troubles had to do with how I was raised. My folks were always so worried about how I'd do (they are well off, upper middle class) that they worried and fretted and discouraged any chances I might take, though the only things I really want to do in life are things that will take some risk and likely some time of struggle to achieve. They pushed me to do something "sensible." They are successful people, but they are very conventional, and I think have generally been ruled by fear. I couldn't go down the path they wanted for me because their goals aren't mine, they don't represent what I want to achieve in life: and I do have serious goals. I ended up in an emotional/psychological stalemate where I didn't have the courage to just go out and do what I had to do (I think what I was meant to do), but I couldn't give into the life they wanted to push on me,either. I just keep drifting, and living in their house.

  My parents are not villains,and I hope no one reads this as blame. They love me. They want the best for me. But as much as they wanted me to be independent, they didn't have the tools to teach me that. I suspect LW might be in the same situation.

  So please stop judging the son, and stop confusing the economics of 1967 with 2007, and stop putting the mother down as an "enabler" when she just wants to nurture her son and probably, in the American tradition, see him do better than her rather than worse.

  But please, please, LW's Son, if you read these letters, or chance across them, or if you are another person like myself in this situation: shore up your courage, and dive into the waters. Tomorrow is always a worse time to do this than today, and yesterday is no longer an option. Better to stand on your own for the first time at 30 rather than 40, or 40 rather than fifty. The more you do it, the more pride you will have in yourself. Truly, every accomplishment will build you up, and make the set backs easier to deal with. Right now, as you demand with your voice to be cared for, and say with your inner voice that you just can't make it on your own, silence both voices. You can still make the life you wanted, a life you can proud of. Start working towards it: now.

  Permalink Wednesday, September 5, 2007 10:57 AM