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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
goodapples
Published Letters: 32 Editor's Choice: 3
LW: I don't think this is about the threat that the other woman poses. I think it's about the threat that your husband poses. He knows this bothers you, you've confronted him before. His response has been subpar so far; he hasn't stored the letters and he left the cd out and the email open so that you would know that he "could do what he wants". Also, he's lied about the relationship.
I think that's why you hesitate dealing with this-- because to push it may reveal what you don't know want to know about him-- that is, your feelings don't count with him so much. To learn that might force you to examine your marriage more closely.
Cary,
Your "advice" is just babble. It makes no sense and is unhelpful. Embrace her culture? Have some zen-like wisdom? Puh-lease. She's entitled to have what she wants out of a relationship and needs to kick his butt out until and unless he's ready for something "serious"-- not just be happy with whatever crumbs he tosses her way while she supports him. The real question is how did she get in this situation in the first place?
Cary,
Your concern is with the other teachers' feelings? This is child abuse and must be reported/stopped immediately, whether it means that this teacher personally contact each of the parents and inform them himself, or let the committee shut down the program. If this LW were me, I would protest loudly-- to the teacher, the committee and the parents. Would your advice be the same if the abuse included physical molestation? (No offense intended to the UU in the group or the OWL program itself, properly administered.)
You two don't sound so well matched. He has no career ambitions and you just finished your ph.d. and want to take a risky ride to the arctic? He doesn't sound all that motivated on many levels. Go live your life, whatever that may be, and don't stick around for this one. He'll be there when you get back, doing not much, I suppose. You'll see him differently.
LW, Back off!! Men still like to do the pursuing, generally. I'm glad he declined your invitations, you would have felt even worse now, had he not. You would feel used and discarded. The fact that you're trying to "figure him out" tells me: 1) you are still trying to control the situation and 2)you just can't take a hint. It doesn't matter WHY he wasn't interested, he just wasn't, okay? Don't waste your precious time on this, find someone that IS interested.
THEY have invited you out of their lives. Stay out. You don't seem so concerned with their wellbeing, as injecting yourself, unwelcome, back into their lives. Stay out. It has been a few years since these two have wanted you around. Go and get some other friends. You sound like you're jealous because you wanted this man to be gay, just like you. You sound conflicted about your orientation and want him as a compatriot. Possibly he really is gay, even probably-- if your information about his gay affair is true-- but it's not your business. Stay out. Go and get a life and let these two be. Stay out. Cary's advice is horrible, the wife already knows her husband is gay at some level, or she wouldn't have been asking. She doesn't want or need your information, or she would have further pursued it. Go ahead and write your letter, if you must seek your revenge, but do not expect anything more than a restraining order in response. Stay out, stay out, stay out.
I think your teenager is rebelling. You should ground him.
LW: It is YOU that he is at mad at/doesn't like. He's just using your parents as scapegoats, because that's easier than confronting you directly or confronting his feelings about you directly. He may have good reason, hard to tell what the real circumstances are. If you were already in tremendous debt, why have an expensive wedding? I concur with everyone else here, your 70 year old parents should not be paying you back, that's criminal. And you do seem to be blaming them for your debt, as well. Why don't you stand up to your husband and tell him that YOUR debt is YOUR fault/problem, not your parents' and to leave them out of it?
Your recent post states: "paying us back" was my husband's idea. "paying us back over time" was my parent's idea, as they could not at once. that they shouldn't be paying us back at ALL - this is the main point of contention between me and my husband. I DON'T WANT THEM TO. he does.
I think I speak for everyone on this board when I say therein lies the problem. As defensive as you feel about him now that he's under attack, his demand that your parents "pay you back" for YOUR wedding, is outrageous. Your buying into this notion AT ALL even just to have to defend your parents' putative poor financial decisions in the past, any attempt to "explain" their inability to pay you back, etc. is your contribution to the problem. Your parents financial decisions don't need defending-- they're not even his concern, in other words: None of His Business. Take a stand and tell him to leave your parents out of it and refuse to be bullied.
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