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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
TinaS1
Published Letters: 780 Editor's Choice: 21
You know as I get older I start hearing more stories from men about how they were horribly abused by women, usually starting with their mothers.
This makes sense, since 80% of all child abuse is carried out by mothers, usually for the simple fact that they are the ones doing the round-the-clock child rearing.
At least some of these men go on to be abused by wives/girlfriends.
If the psychological profile of an abused girl is that she grows up to be a woman who is more likely to be abused, then the same is to be expected for men, so I get that.
Here's the only thing that puzzles me:
The abused men feel their deep rage and bitterness towards women to be understandable (and it is). However, they do not understand women being bitter towards men at all. They don't accept it. They think it's all some kind of con.
I have a theory about this, but it's just a theory.
I've been very close to two of these cases.
In both the cases the women put out the story that they were being abused by their husbands when in fact the guys were the ones cowering in corners while the pots and pans and knives flew around the kitchen. Both of these women played hugely on the sympathy of their listeners and one woman even convinced a professional therapist that her husband had been abusing her for years. It was something of "oh YOU all think he's such a nice guy and a great person, well, you wouldn't know it to look at him, but...."
Physical injuries on him? "Well, I was defending myself!" she says. Sniffle. Sob.
Okay, the guys come out of these experiences convinced that all women are turnabout artists, spin doctors, and liars.
Sad, isn't it?
What we learn from this is the paramount importance of taking all abuse seriously, esp. all child abuse. On the flip side, child abuse is also what turns angry boys into psycho raping men. Nobody of either gender should get away with abusing children or dependents.
I'm especially saddened by how lax attitudes are in this department. We should all be fighting abuse in all its forms.
Easy to say, hard to do. I'm just saying that when guys hang around on Broadsheet and shout and scream about how terrible feminists are, what they are really saying is that they feel their own perfectly legitimate personal issues are being ignored. These guys don't know, or can't see, how much greater the odds are against you if you are smaller, weaker, and have the weight of tradition and ingrained attitudes stacked against you. They haven't experienced that, so they feel it's a lie.
What's the answer? Encourage men to report and prosecute abusive spouses? What? I really don't know.
I do think these guys are a minority though. When most men grow up with rage and anger they become violent--towards women. That's our reality guys, we aren't making it up. Trust us.
We're not out to get you either.
you are absolutely right about that last paragraph. I don't drink; I wouldn't encourage anyone to drink. I think it's unwise and embarrassing to get publicly drunk. You are sure right about all that.
BUT
That doesn't mean that people who commit crimes through taking advantage of drunk people shouldn't be arrested and sent to jail.
Their drunkeness does NOT give others the right to victimize them in any way, whether by stealing their wallets or raping them or getting them to sign their inheritance away on the back of a bar napkin. Just can't do it.
Of course the victims would have been smarter not to have gotten falling down drunk in the first place, or to have a drinking buddy, or whatever. No argument there. But the world is full of stupid people, and it's not open season on them just because they're stupid. That would be anarchy.
Besides, we are concentrating a little bit too much on the drinking issue; plenty of girls get raped under circumstances involving no alcohol whatever, and plenty of bastards can still be found who will argue "the circumstances were ambiguous", esp. if she has no injuries resulting from a struggle and no weapon was involved.
Once you concede that gray rape exists while drinking, you concede that it can exist here, there, and everywhere and pretty soon you are back at the Biblical definition of rape; she has to resist to the point of death and it damn well better look like it.
That's why the law has to be quite clear about the issue. Don't. fuck. drunk. girls. Just don't, people.
Also, thanks for sharing your experience, and my heartfelt sympathies. More men need to speak up.
I'm a big fan of yours and I'd be fascinated to hear what your theories are on these "accomodating" women, who, for lack of a better way of saying it, seem to have trouble with boundaries.
I do believe there is a class of women who would like to say "no" but don't. My personal theory is that they have had their physical integrity so violated (through childhood abuse that is possibly not even sexual) that they don't even understand that they CAN say "no". They have to learn or relearn this skill.
They are a sad group of women who are often raped or exploited, although not all men who have sex with them are raping them. However they need help in this area, and shouldn't be in relationships until they get it.
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