A-FUCKING-MEN!!

MaryBeth, thank you for writing this. Were you in my head a few days ago? Cause I was thinking about just this same topic. I have always had friendships with men, and in fact had very few female friends till I was an adult. I just didn't 'get' the silly games that young girls play with each other's minds and emotions, and so being the tomboy that I was(am), I mostly stuck to boys for friends. That's not to say all the boys were cool like Fonzie...no, the boys were well-represented amongst the kids who bullied me in elementary and jr high. But I always had at least one friend, usually my neighbor Randy, and so it wasn't so bad once school was out.

I mentioned being a tomboy: I had a gearhead dad, and used to tag along with him while he was wrenching on cars in the garage from the time I could walk. He comes from a family of builder/fabricators/inventors, who can imagine stuff in their heads and then just...make it. But he also got a love of language from his mother, a teacher, and in fact he was pursuing his Masters in American Lit when his mentor was killed. My grandpa also died around this time and so Dad's midlife crisis was running away to sea by buying a commercial salmon fishing boat. I could write y'all a freaking novel about him, and I haven't even gotten to my beloved stepdad, who passed away about a month ago, and without whom I am feeling utterly lost; we lost my mom to lung cancer 4 years ago, so stepdad, gramma, and I had become our own tight little crew since then. I was very lucky in that I had an abundance of great dads/male role models in my biodad and my stepdad; I know so many kids don't even have one, and I know how blessed I was to have Dad and Stepdad.

Suffice to say that I absolutely, positively, without hesitation love men. I like the way they smell after they've been working out or doing something physically demanding, and are sweaty (that clean sweat smell, not the 'it's hot and I haven't taken a shower' funk); I like the way they will generally tell it to you straight, like MaryBeth mentioned; I like the way they can act like little boys at Christmas with a new trainset when they have a new gadget...well, you get the picture. That doesn't mean I'm a doormat for poor treatment from them: hell no. But I take them on a case-by-case basis (as it were), so only the ones who behave poorly get the sharp side of my personality and a demotion down to 'moron' in my eyes.

Even if I wasn't missing my stepdad horribly right now, I'd still say the same things about men. *shrug* What can I say..guys are cool.

"Doesn't a man have to be at least somewhat turned on (O.K., aroused) (O.K, hard) in order to penetrate anyone?

So if Man A is turned on enough to be able to penetrate Man B, then why isn't Man A considered gay, because he got excited enough to do it to a man?"

Power and control are turn-ons in and of themselves for many many people.

That would be the nail in the coffin of me giving in and getting HBO.

As the first replier noted, you're not just doing it for yourself, you're doing it for your spouse and all the people who have to interact with you. Let me tell you, the money I've spent the past 2.5 yrs on (almost) weekly therapy has been worth every red cent: I'm under an enormous amount of stress right now and yet I'm handling it pretty well. Before I found my therapist, if all the crap I'm juggling had hit me then...I'd have completely fallen apart and been non-functional.

I know I'm some random voice on the internet, but please keep trying and find a therapist that works better for you. And keep going! A good therapist will let you know when you don't need to go as often, or even at all. For a long time, I had reduced my appointments down to every other week since I felt I didn't need the 'mental tune-up' as often. But financial stuff and a couple of deaths in my family, and having to move and sell a house..well, let's just say I'm back to my once-a-week schedule for the time being.

I won't be surprised if, once my life settles back down into the 'new normal', I'll drop down even further to maybe once every 3 weeks or something. And it's not even a money issue for me either, luckily (knocks on wood). But I want to have a better life, and sticking with therapy has made a huge improvement so far. I'm happier than I have ever been with myself, and that's made the rest of my life so much better. Even with all the crap the Universe dumped on me this summer.

That's my anecdata, LW. Please reconsider therapy. And good luck to you.