Being very familiar with LW's scenario, only with the participants dead, gone and moved on, I wonder about the intact family in the home (s)he describes with the controlling mom, resentful sibs and dry-drunk dad. If we could go back and do it over all again, would we? Could it be different? Maybe just a little. I'm pretty sure LW can change up some small things. But the overall story is likely to keep the same arc.

Well, I agree with Cary. Nobody is saving anybody's family. But at the same time, LW can work within the situation to wrest fleeting moments of mercy located within unchanged details. To get there, it helps to have a group of like-minded peers. AlAnon, the companion program to AA, is much harder than AA because its unreconstructed misery is more subtle -- to be driving around crying, trying to figure out how everyone and everything else could be fixed. That's where to insert the AlAnon program. Like AA, it's everywhere, with 24-hour hotlines, meetings especially on holidays, the whole deal.

There one can learn to relax one's own defenses enough to gain compassion for oneself and one's view of the present and past. The Victim/Perpetrator dichotomy, the Hero, Scapegoat and Lost Children -- this shorthand gives us vocabulary to describe previously assumed positions. After awhile it is possible for compassion to sneak in the cracks and tenderize stock characters, even if only in the stew of memory. Next trip home, LW might have a chance to step out of assigned character, to make a joke, to extend the hand of compassion across years of ossified roles, take old dad to an AA meeting indeed, but most of all, to crack open enough windows in that haunted house to let in some fresh air. The others might rush to plug up the holes and resume unsmiling posts. But then again, they might just let it go by...

Good luck!

Good comedians can be excused for going bad.

I love the Daily Show and I wanted to like "40 Year Old Virgin." My teenage nephew's euphoric recap of the movie was far more entertaining than sitting through the movie itself, which was another overlong example of one-skit material stretched to the point of breakage (and boredom) in its film-length version. If this is the 21st century artistic baseline for a successful comedy, how does anyone, even a "good" comedian, know what to do? Apparently anything passes for wit and timing, and scripts apparently are optional for financially successful "laffers." Why would "good" comedians bother?

Could be the malls packed with Bushworld exacerbating the colossal dumb-down, sucking in Steve, Woody et al. Maybe Dave Chappelle is safe!

Acceptance doesn't have to mean gleeful approbation of her choice. You can accept that she's a grownup making an adult decision. Respect her right to do that, and stand up with her at her wedding.

As much as I usually agree with Cary's advice, this time I don't. To reject her invitation on the grounds that you disapprove puts you in an adversarial position. It will create a schism at a time when she will need a nonjudgmental friend for what lies ahead if your misgivings are correct.

Weddings are such optimistic occasions, all about celebration, honor, love and belonging. She could be making a mistake. A lot of people (myself included) owe their existence to the naive ardor of lovers making "mistakes" in the long run. You expressed your concern; now stand by her, no matter what comes. Nobody really knows what's going to happen. You may as well enjoy the party. And pray for miracles.

Far be it from me to perpetuate yet another bad stereotype, as bigots exist everywhere. Let's just say I speak from experience, coming from Texas, the Australia of the South. Cary is right. Speak up. Don't be one of those people who can be counted on not to say anything.

The term "fag" is not used in a serious discussion among straight people. Saying a provocatively dressed woman deserves to be raped is not remark anyone would make who is close to a sexual assault victim. People in a group sometimes say stuff that disparages other groups of people in a crude effort to bond.

Take these people at their best -- the part that invited you over as their guest. You can say that you believe that people deserve respectful treatment, no matter what kind of sex or clothes they like. Tell them you're not comfortable condoning violence against people in miniskirts or calling someone a name behind their back that you wouldn't use to their face.

If you can say your piece without getting all dark and angry, you might be able to move the discussion to a more inclusive place. At least they will know not to say these things where you can hear it. If you get all huffy about it, they might say more bad stuff just to tease you. Show them you're a good sport and give them a chance to back off the dumb remarks.

Good luck with religion and politics!