Letters to the Editor
lonewolfy
Published Letters: 300 Editor's Choice: 19
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Questions & Answers for the LW
[Read the article: I'm acting like a monster so my friends are deserting me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Q: Needy, whiny, goes to extremes, OK -- but is that reason enough to shun me?
A: Yes, absolutely.
Q: Why?
A: Because you're acting like an asshole.
You have every right to be an asshole if you so choose. But please know that your friends also have every right to choose NOT to involve a whiny, needy drama queen/king in their lives.
Q: So how do I rectify the situation/get my friends back?
A: Quit acting like an asshole.
Most drama queens/kings, in my experience, are self-absorbed, bored attention whores who don't truly care about anyone else but themselves. If they did care, they would realize that there is no reason to needily seek and create melodrama, when run-of-the-mill life and positive relationships are infinitely more fulfilling.
So how do you quit? Turn your gaze from inward to the outside world and the people in it. Stop asking what your friends can do for you and contribute to your life - and see what you can contribute to theirs.
Look - everyone has their dark days. And believe it or not, true friends will be supportive of you through such times...if you show that you genuinely care about them as well, and if they know you would return the support if/when they themselves were facing adversity.
But most people are perceptive enough to know that drama queens would actually get off on a friend's adversity, instead of being supportive/sympathetic. And - once more - a self-absorbed whiner can never truly care about someone else...and thus will always make a terrible friend.
So quit being an asshole, LW. Think of others, do good things for others, put your problems in perspective...and you will reap the rewards of companionship.
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@ Brulette
[Read the article: I'm acting like a monster so my friends are deserting me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW is a musician, an obviously a sensitive, different person.
Nope. He is a needy, whiny drama lover who harangues his friends. This isn't me describing him - this is the LW describing himself. And frankly, I give him credit for at least admitting that he is acting like an asshole.
(And btw: there are countless musicians out there who do not act like this. I am one of them. So are many of my mentors. This positive-but-really-negative-and-insulting stereotype about "sensitive" (read: difficult assholes) musicians implicit in your statement is utterly FALSE)
It can be hard for people like that to find their tribe, or for that matter, to have any tribe at all.
Brutal reality check: it is hard for ALL OF US to find our tribe. Some people out there who seem super-popular and sociable are actually incredibly lonely, and don't feel like they belong.
Some of us are merely wired differently.
Being a 30-something man-child is not "being wired differently"; it is making an active choice not to behave in an acceptable way with the people in your life...
...but more importantly, it is making an active choice in how you TREAT the people in your life.
LW is not a special, sensitive, rare wallflower. He is a grown man acting like an asshole.
And to excuse and euphemize the way he CHOOSES to interact with people does neither him nor his friends/family any good.
You may give him a free pass on all his behavior - but would you continue to do so when he called for the 17th time that evening at 3 am to ask you if he is, like, really worthy of love?
If the LW and people like him buy into this feel-good, pop-psychology "You are not being a Jerk, you are simply Unique and Special" crap, then ultimately it will be to their detriment and unhappiness.
Which is why I re-iterate: LW, wake up and smell the reality. You have it within yourself to treat your friends with decency and respect - such as giving them space when they need it, not plaguing them with your drama-lovin' antics, etc.
When you are ready to make that CHOICE, the life and circle of people you wish to be a part of will be there...
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@ Anon: Thanks for your response
[Read the article: I'm acting like a monster so my friends are deserting me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]You see us all the time alone in restaurants and browsing in bookstores and sitting in Starbucks for the feel of community without the heartaches actually trying to be part of a community brings.
Believe it or not, I know exactly what you mean. Even my moniker "lonewolfy" is based on most of my life experiences with people.
Let me say that the reaction of the woman and other group members in the online message board was ridiculous, and you did not deserve it. Not to sound like a broken record =), but frankly they were all royal assholes for the way they treated you.
Furthermore, I do draw a distinction between people such as you (and perhaps me), and the LW. Why? It isn't so much the LW's haranguing, neediness, attention whoredom, etc. (although those traits understandably lead on a path to hermitude).
It is that the LW feels entitled to having his friends and other indulge him and his crappy behavior towards them. There is no sign in his letter that he actually cares one iota about these people; just what they can do to help him feel better.
I think if you are able to care about other people, then there are chances to change or end your isolation on your own terms.
Have you ever thought about volunteering in some field that you like? E.g. - at a local ASPCA if you love animals? Or at a museum if you are into art?
Yes, there is the selfless reason of wanting to contribute...but frankly, there is a great selfish reward for people such as yourself in doing this: it opens you up to a community. This isn't to say everyone you volunteer with becomes your best friend, or that it happens instantaneously...
...but for what it's worth, I think it might give you access to the joys of truly being part of a community - if that is what you want.