The father was gainfully employed and then lost his job, is getting unemployment, soon to end, but is also getting disability of some sort. Normally, you don't get disability when you are or have recently been working, so I am especially confused as to this man's ability to take personal responsibility for his condition, or where he was living previously and why he had to move in with anyone else. All of which might point to some kind of sudden or worsening medical condition, and all of which might be highly relevant to how realistic it is for FIL to resume his prior, presumably independent life. Nonetheless. As others have said, it is outrageous for LW and her children to have their lives upended to cater to FIL when there isn't even a separate bedroom to contain him. At a minimum, LW must impress upon her husband that FIL must move out if husband cannot find bigger quarters for his family and charge FIL rent even if his income is meager (it's not like Marines make a fortune). And LW has to find her backbone. For one thing, she doesn't have to run errands for her FIL, and she should hide food or put it away under lock and key if necessary to keep him from raiding her children's snack and school lunch stash. And although alot is unspoken with the idea that leaving husband is the only option she has thought of, for whatever reason -- her own personality or her fear of her husband's abusive instincts -- it is a sign that she avoids conflict rather than standing up for herself, definitely with her husband, and probably with FIL. It might be that this is an irresolvable conflict, and that the husband will ultimately side with his father, but in the long run, LW's life will be better for facing rather than avoiding conflicts. It probably isn't too farfetched to think that her husband thought he could get away with this because she has accepted less than respectful behavior in the past.

I could be the girlfriend. In my relationship, my husband is always the one who sees past the bad things that might happen if we take the longer vacation or do something a little more daring, while I worry about the immediacy of my needs and cling to the comfort of my routine. And you know what? My husband is usually right, which is to say, that optimism is usually rewarded more handsomely than pessimism. So if LW is looking for a compromise, then figure out what GF needs to do to keep her job -- if it means going for a shorter visit, then let her come back sooner, but encourage her to see how important it will be to maintain optimism in her life, especially for her child.

I grew up with people like Mary Smith, (they weren't African American) and each one has their own sorry tale of downward spinning out of control. What do they have in common? Drugs and sexual imprudence, almost always, the twin "cures" of choice for self-medicating poor (and sometimes not so poor) women trying to achieve a feeling of being loved and powerful, and finding love only in small children and power (or its perception) only in drugs. Eventually, both sources dry up and they tune reality out by watching tv, another bad habit that they adopt in order to avoid reality, even in the form of the children they created.

I think we all know this, at some level, including the author, who never seems to have asked the mother to control her children, or explained the limits of her indulgence when they came around "demanding" this or that. Sure, I can understand that her expectations might have been justifiably low, but not setting any expectations at all contributes, even if only in small part, to the belief that they aren't required to make even a show of having any standards. My only advice: focus on those children who are still amenable to support. Maybe this lady had none, but they are out there, willing to attach themselves to a secure adult out of a well honed instinct for self-preservation. Anyone who who has experience working with chronically challenged people knows that when they tug on the lifeline they usually are not doing so with the intention of changing themselves. But if the lifeline isn't there for them when and if they can use it to good effect, then they will almost never change.