That's a joke, sort of, but the image that came to my mind was that LW is like the owner of a pit bull prancing around the neighborhood taking pride in her barely controlled dog and a certain amount of glee at how she's scaring the neighbors. Funny how the neighbors won't always put up with his or her antics.

If LW really hates her BF when he is drunk or high, then he will stop using or she should leave. LW might also consider, perhaps, that she is a lot worse for him than he is for her because she, at least, maintains control over her own actions even as she prompts him to lose control over his. From his history of drug use, including some drugs that might have done permanent damage, I deduce that the last thing he needs are chemicals or human beings egging him on to do silly things like slapping the backside of a complete stranger who is trying to do her job. In fact, he might need the exact opposite of what LW is offering. This should definitely stop soon so that no one will be tempted to call animal control.

Was the bit about the boorish, binge drinking during her trip to Boston. Those people whose hospitality the author abused were friends of her friend, who were almost certainly also grieving the loss of the friend's husband. While the author might not have cared about them, it's likely that her friend did, because they were probably among those from whom she would claim daily support in the months and years after her loss -- while the author returned home, thousands of miles away. If she wants to understand how inappropriate her behavior was, she might try by comparing it with theirs: they showed supreme generosity during a difficult time, clearly setting aside their interests and needs to help their friend.

If she wants to understand why everything seems amiss now, with her ex-friend, and our place in the world, she might start by looking inward: Why is it that, going on five years, she is still holding a pity party, and still blaming it all on 9/11? Maybe the friendship withstood transition to the adult world only for times of joy, like marriage and birth -- but not tragedy, when the demands for selflessness in response to unthinkable loss were just too great.

Maybe instead of this article, she should have written a heartfelt apology. Maybe her friend would, upon reflection, have considered it unnecessary -- but it would have been a generous gesture.

I did confront my father at one point, and my sister has confronted my mother. Perhaps under the right circumstances, with the right therapist, it might work, but at least in our case, it was met with complete and utter confusion. They didn't make the mistakes they made because they were enlightened about their demons and pathologies. The process of self-recognition is complex, and usually too painful even when you have time to turn around your life and steer it in a new direction. Your mother doesn't have that time, it wouldn't surprise me if she has to believe that your grievances, if presented, are wrong, misguided, and based on inaccurate memories. She doesn't really have a future, so the past is all that much more important. What I would not do, though, is continue to put her needs first, if indeed that is what you are doing. Vacations, a new job, a new house, degree, hobby, whatever, if it's what you want you should go for it even if it disrupts the pattern of your relationship with your mother. You can at least do that much for yourself.

I am assuming that relevant details were omitted by Cary. However, I think there's enough detail to make it as clear as it can be that LW is still playing the role of that abused and trod upon adolescent with no idea how to protect herself or her children. So, while LW is writing letters and obsessing about how to make her family situation with her parents right, the parents continue to disdain LW's happiness and well-being, indeed, continue to roll right over LW and brazenly take control of their relationship with LW's own children in defiance of LW's wishes. But even more ominously, LW begins to re-enact her own childhood drama with her children, no, not with the same kind of violent abuse, but by drawing them into her adult problems -- just like her parents did to her. And they're not even school age yet.

Even if LW is the only one playing this game, she needs help, especially because it is affecting the way she is raising her children. She needs to establish and enforce boundaries between herself and her parents, and herself and her children. If she can do that, then maybe she will have insight to determine what kind of relationship her parents can have with her children based on what's good for the kids rather than by using the children as pawns in her integenerational warfare. (I think going behind her back and getting access through the daycare providers is deeply unsettling and possibly symptomatic of serious issues with the grandparents, but then again, I think LW's analytical faculties when it comes to her parents are so likely to be distorted that it's possible this too is being presented as an inaccurate picture of what occurred.)

It wasn't. I am really tired of women picking on or satirizing or ridiculing other women. If you can't figure out how to ignore the sillier fears of your friends and be happy with your child, try keeping it to yourself and pretending otherwise.

Also wonderful and by Kate Atkinson is "Behind the Scenes at the Museum," her first novel, which also wasn't quite a mystery but had wonderful characters and a lot of surprises.