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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
BR
Published Letters: 208 Editor's Choice: 30
Ms. Flanagan's typically self-referential work is neither original nor insightful because she lacks sufficient honesty or self-awarness to acknowledge the sheer extent of her own privilege -- a woman who is a "stay at home" mother without responsibility for household drudgery and who manages a challenging career with no commute. Her stock in trade is harsh judgments against others who, unlike her, haven't landed in life's sweet spot. After a while, it comes across as just so much pathetic bragging. I don't read it anymore.
My husband hangs on to things, as do his parents and one of my children. My mother in law, for instance, keeps old calendars because eventually the yearly cycle will recur and she won't have to buy another. Never mind that people are giving away more calendars than you can use. I am sure it's nothing like the LW's experience, but I struggle daily to convince my husband (and my daughter) that much of what they hang onto is not only unimportant, but that it literally and metaphorically gets in the way of life.
I think Cary identified a reasonable plan for LW, and I would second finding a female therapist, though I suspect that there will be reasons soon enough for why the new therapist is deemed to be unsatisfactory. It's funny, but people who adhere to things disproportionately also seem to have weaker attachments to the humans in their lives. What the things represent to them, emotionally, has a stronger hold on their self-image and sense of well-being than their connection to loved ones. It either reminds them fondly of the past or of some future possibility that simply can't be discarded, as if discarding the thing is admitting the futility of future achievement.
As a practical matter I would strongly urge the LW to do what I have done in my own, much less cluttered house: Establish "safe" zones for him and his son where stuff may not be kept. In my house, this is the kitchen, the dining room and my side of the bedroom. LW should assert the right to rid the designated zones of anything being "stored" there. This would, hopefully, include his son's room and some amount of play space.
Your quest for the "truth" completely bypasses your wife's physical and emotional well-being, which would be troubling in and of itself. But you compound the problem by the fact that you obviously don't believe or trust your wife, which suggests that either you want to believe the worst or that your wife already knows that she has done "the worst" thing imaginable so far as you are concerned. In either case, it sounds as if both of you are beginning to realize that you want different things. Give your wife six months to heal and then try to deal with that fact with the help of a counsellor. I don't think you will get it right on your own.
My husband grew up the child of relative privilege while I grew up the child of well-educated parents who were buffetted by circumstances mostly involving the breadwinner's (my dad's) mental illness. As Dr. Phil might say, exposure to insecurity and want changes who you are. It makes you pessimistic about the future and it leaves you feeling needy and dependent even when, objectively, you are doing amazingly well in life. It can trap you into staying in jobs you hate because you are too afraid to take a chance on something new and, in general, it can stunt your enjoyment of life. It used to scare me how much my husband could spend on things, like travel, that to me were just out and out extravagant. Somehow, I did adjust but it still feels scary.
It's possible that LW's BF is just a jerk, and really, he should have figured out that LW cannot match his lifestyle with her own resources and should not be expected to. Nonetheless, she should not assume that the only issue is the relative disparity of resources between them. Because, even if her boyfriend is genuinely willing to share and is not trying to control her through money, LW might find herself continuing to feel uncomfortably insecure, and unhappy unless her world is narrow and self-contained. She might give up things that she really does value, out of fear, or even out of loyalty to those who cannot share her good fortune. So without excusing his lack of empathy, even if the relationship does not succeed, for her own good, she needs to address her own fear of always falling back into poverty.
LW says the reception is small, perhaps, but christenings must be a big deal in her family if some family member other than the parents "desperately" wants to be there. I guarantee you that no one in my family has ever felt a desperate need to be at the christening of anyone.
So LW should just recognize that this is a big deal, and as such, it will not be a time for peaceful rejoicing, especially if out of town guests are coming. As with a wedding, if you want a baptism to be relaxing and under your control, you call up the celebrant and ask if he can fit it into his schedule at a convenient time, show up with your closest friends and relatives who can make it, and then everyone goes out for brunch afterwards. Cary's advice is dead on -- If it's a big deal, and especially if you go out of your way to make it a big deal, you shouldn't complain about the family drama and the hassle of it all.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
