have learned one thing though, for darn sure, from reading these letters and that is that good women do not do not DO NOT do anything ever to please men, not ever in the least, not in their manners, or their clothes or their hair or their makeup, or anything they do, or the way they do it, ever, that all these personal choices are always for her own pleasure and comfort and concern and no one else's, least of all for men. Especially not for men. Women make this claim so often that it sounds like a pledge of some sort.

As a heterosexual female I wonder the same thing. What is wrong with wanting guys to think I look good? You bet, jeans and sneaks are comfy, and I wore them out to a concert the other night because I knew I'd be skanking up a storm (Wikipedia it!) and if I wore boots with high heels I'd break an ankle. And actually, I got much props on my choice of sneaks -- red plaid Rocket Dogs.

But I also love my Steve Madden satin cherry red stilettos because you know what? They look really sexy on me (especially with dark capri jeans and a red-checked short sleeved blouse)! And I also love my expensive jeans because they *make my ass look amazing* and I like having an amazing-looking ass. I like it when I catch the boy *I* think is cute checking me out. I think it's great. I will continue to make an effort -- within reason and economy -- to look good when I go out just in case some guy has *also* made an effort to look good. It's a social bargain I'm willing to make.

I -- a modern, heterosexual, highly educated, leftist hippie liberal female -- think that it is reasonable that I should want guys to think I look good.

If he says that you'll see less of each other if you stop coming by, then he doesn't care enough to make an effort to see you. You need to be with someone who is willing to make at least half of the effort.

This letter makes me so sad. I had a boyfriend who was exactly like this, and I wasted two years of my life doing everything he wanted me to do, because if I didn't behave in suchandsuch a way, he would stop talking to me, or not call me, or otherwise make me feel like he didn't care.

The truth of the matter, of course, is that he really *didn't* care, at least not enough. He didn't care enough to want to be with me on mutual terms -- only on his terms. Eventually (finally) he broke up with me and as sad as I was, my broken heart was not because he dumped me out of the blue or anything like that, my broken heart was for my own sorrow for love I had wanted from him all along, and realized that I never really had.

I regret those two years because even though he could be really fun and loving, it was only when he felt like it and not necessarily when I needed it (like when I was out of work, or having medical problems, or just having a bad day and needing a squeeze and some soft words). I wasted a lot of valuable time (my late 20s!) wishing that I could measure up to whatever imaginary standard he held me to.

It took me a LONG time after our breakup to finally accept that it's OK for me to want to be important to someone. It's perfectly normal and acceptable and even *desirable* for me to want to be important enough to a guy that he remembers to call me, or wants to stay at my house sometimes just because he wants to sleep next to me, or lets me let myself into his apartment if we've been dating forever and I spend all my time there anyway (especially if I'm buying groceries!)

You need to be important to someone, and you are not important enough to this guy. Its really sad and its really hard, but you need to pull yourself away and find someone who wants to be with you, and will make the effort to demonstrate it.

According to her narrative, he's been quite explicit about his desire to have her live out of a bag from his apartment:

"So I took all of my things back, and said that I need to "live out of" my own place. But he did not like that, either."

"[He] says that either I can live with it or we will not see each other as often. He has also been unwilling to spend time at my place."

She took all her stuff home and he wasn't happy with that arrangement. She asked him to come to her house and he wasn't happy with that arrangement. She asked him for a key and he wasn't happy with that arrangement.

Also, @ Alonzo: his selfishness is not that he won't give her a key before he's ready, its that he insists (per her descriptions above) that the inconvenience be 100% hers to deal with, and 0% his.