Letters to the Editor
Allie_
Published Letters: 1252 Editor's Choice: 109
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re: Pink
[Read the article: What's worse -- my breast cancer, or my relatives trying to "help" me?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]You asked two questions.
To the first, what to do about casual acquaintances who want to find religious meaning in your illness:
There is even the message that God gave me this for a reason. This makes me sick. I believe in science, and biology, and random acts of illness. There was no plan to give me cancer. It is not comforting to me when people suggest otherwise. I believe God may be present in the love and kindness I see around me in my family, and in many of my friends and even strangers who show they care. But I do not believe God is controlling my cells. How do I deal with these people?
There's no need to "deal" with them. These people are not going to change their philosophies or religions because of anything you say or don't say. Toss their cards. Let them pray their prayers alone; it's not necessary to respond to "I added you to our prayer chain," with an explanation of your own beliefs." When confronted with those who think your illness is part of God's plan, try some casual but inane statements like, "It is giving me the opportunity to understand the limits of my strength." If this brings on more conversation, try another short phrase: "Uh huh." Meanwhile, think about laundry. You need not go out of your way to encounter these people. For those who are cheeky enough to insist on praying WITH you, you may wish to defend yourself by quoting Jesus' instructions that people should pray privately, not in front of other people. It also works to pretend to be deaf and/or stupid. "Would you like to pray together?" "I'm glad I'm in your thoughts, that's really sweet." "How about we kneel down?" "That casserole you brought looks really tasty." "I could have my pastor over on Tuesday..." "You know what I'd really like? For someone to watch the kids so I can see a movie."
I know, sheesh. But there are a lot of stupid people in the world, and changing them is one more thing you shouldn't have to worry about.
The psychic vampire family is a more difficult issue. First point: these are your husband's relatives, and it's his responsibility to stand up to them. (And besides, you're sick and don't need the drama.) It sounds as if he's tried, but he's locked into the relationship of a little boy to adults. He needs to be firm.
"Oh, but we love you. We are just showing concern ..."
"Well, if it happens again, I'm going to have to ask you not to visit any more."
Next time it happens, no more visits.
I'm reminded of my foster daughter's birth parents. When my daughter was in a car wreck, her mother called me and asked to visit her in the hospital. Foolishly, I agreed. She asked for a few minutes alone with her daughter, and I stepped outside. Shortly afterward, I heard sobbing through the door. Birth mom was saying that she had obviously wrecked the car on purpose and why couldn't she be more responsible, now my insurance payments would go up, she never thought of anyone else, did she. This to a kid with a broken collarbone, hopped up on morphine, trapped in bed, sobbing helplessly. I honestly wanted to fling mom out the window, and I had no idea what I was going to say as I stepped back in the room, but what I said was, "She doesn't need to hear this right now."
And mom hushed right up - and never tried that sort of shit, ever again. Said at the right moment and in the right tone of voice, "She doesn't need to hear this right now" can work miracles.
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puppies
[Read the article: Unstable starlets and little-girl voices]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]When confronted by an older dog, a puppy will roll over and show its belly - non-threatening behavior.
I'm aware that many women do this (although I'd question whether more do it today than in the past). What hasn't been mentioned is that men do it too. In college I dated a guy with a pleasant, deep voice whose voice would go up an octave whenever he spoke to an authority figure, like a doctor or professor, and whenever he answered the telephone. It made him sound much younger (he was 26 at the time). I pointed it out to him, and he made a conscious effort to stop it, with some success.
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which was it?
[Read the article: The body electric]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The first article presented the degeneration as being caused by the drugs, and cured by detoxification. The second article presents the degeneration as something that would have happened anyway at that age, can be temporarily ameliorated by ECT, and will continue to be a problem from now on. Which is it?