Letters to the Editor
susan sunflower
Published Letters: 1374 Editor's Choice: 29
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Actually, I'm not sure we know enough about this relationship to say whether it was an "affair" or not ...
[Read the article: My boss wants me to apologize to his wife]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]this particular relationship (and similar relationships along some platonic spectrum) may have been different "things" to each of the participants.
Both people here were involved in foundering relationships ... and I think that the married man was willing to leave his wife at home (alone or with the kids) while he enjoyed LW company and friendship suggests STRONGLY to me that THAT relationship was pretty well doomed and I'm doubtful that "working on the relationship" will be lastingly successful, barring serious ongoing "rededication" ...
It's possible this man was "in love" or "in lust" or "infatuated" or "flattered," "charmed," .... for all their talking, I'm not sure they communicated much about the "us" thing ... until an "us" thing appears to be about-to-be-possible.
People (men and women) often "fall in love" with safely unavailable individuals -- sometimes the object of their affection has little or no inkling of the other's adoration.
Letterwriter seems to have balked when she realized HIS divorce was imminent ... and I can think of any number of reasons for that ... ranging from being fearful of "what people will think" ... to discovering that "familiarity kills desire" or losing interest after the "chase" ...
the relationship depicted in "The Age of Innocence", I think most would agree was somehow very much an affair on Newland's part ... and much less so on the part of the woman...
The presence or lack of "exchange of body fluids" seems a poor marker.
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real or apocryphal "received guy wisdom"?
[Read the article: My boss wants me to apologize to his wife]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I heard this enough times to suspect it's in "general circulation" although whether genuine "guy lore" or some movie dialog from long ago, it goes like this: The way to break up with a woman is to make her think it's her idea. NEVER directly break it off with a woman ... manipulate her into kicking you out.
The rationale here, as I've heard it is that a "dumped" woman is likely to beg and/or plead for a second chance to be whatever you want that she's not... which is ultimately debasing and will lead to a deep enduring hatred.
A woman who can hold her head high having "dumped" an undeserving partner is likely to move on more quickly.
I think this also applies in marriages, particularly now that in virtually all states you don't need to show "grounds" -- i.e. you don't need your wife's "cooperation" to sue you for divorce for adultery, for instance....
Oddly, the family politics of "who's at fault" remaind -- See Heather Mills' claim what "all she really wants" is for Paul to admit the failure of the marriage was his fault (as if her apparent crazy-bitch act hasn't miraculously produced unexpected sympathy for that pretentious-old-bitchy-nitpicker McCartney himself).
Whatever. Even a BAD husband gets points for "trying to work it out" until the bitter end in the form of some sympathy ... regardless of how half-hearted those efforts may be... and as far as I can tell, the matter of "who filed" can influence division of community property ...
fwiw.
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yes, think how much worse it would be if your neighbor, ex-bff, were broken-hearted, despondent at being "abandoned" ...
[Read the article: My neighbor is having coffee with somebody new]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I had a next door neighbor who became the bane of my existence rather quickly -- she had no.life -- she called me at 8 a.m. to discuss whether she really needed to go to the grocery store and what she might make for dinner (for the two of them -- hubby and her -- and her cooking consisted primarily of frozen food and packaged side-dishes) ... her other conversation had to do with her hubby's trailer trash brother and whatever scandal Bill O'Reilly had just uncovered.
Be grateful she has a new friend. She can still be your friend when you have time for her. But you really do.not.want. her waiting by your mailbox when you get home, continuous instant-messages, e-mails or phone calls during your workday -- trust me.
Sounds like she is looking for COMPANIONSHIP during her long days at home ... be glad she found someone so quickly.
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"friends" don't help "friends" trash their marriage ...
[Read the article: My boss wants me to apologize to his wife]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I'm inclined to think there was a significant power/age component to this "relationship."
While I have trouble believing LW's apparent "innocence"... I can also understand how one can get sucked into a relationship with an older, wiser, more powerful, richer, boss-man ... particularly when there's nothing "improper" going on and - frankly - it can be hard to say no.
I do wonder if "LoverBoy" (as I think of him) ever mentioned his wife having a problem with all the time they spent together ... but my overall impression is that he was seeking companionship in the dying days of his marriage, waiting for his wife to throw in the proverbial towel. For any number of reasons he may have genuinely not been interested in a sexual, i.e. "adulterous" relationship or he may have realized LW was not responding "that way."
Friends don't help friends trash their marriage ...
IMHO, He'll be back ...
One of the funny things about conventional dating relationships is that often you get involved long before you find out all sorts of things about the other person -- like how they wrecked their last marriage or their pattern of infidelity -- I can only hope LW takes a long hard look at LoverBoy and sends him packing. He probably won't treat his next wife any better than his last.