First, start a notebook (private) and record what you know about each child -- favorite color, teacher's name, favorite food, allergies, foods they hate, favorite movie, video game, cookie ... ER visits, surgeries, best vacation ever ...what they want to be when they grow up, heros, idols, ... all the stuff kids believe define them ... add to it.

If you don't know any of this stuff -- work on it.

Second, get out your camera and start a photo album -- a real one -- not digital -- make some shared memories ...

Even if you end up bailing -- you'll have some memories too.

Third -- buy a book and read it ... that's what I do when I have a new "project" ... join a step-parents group ... or on-line community ...

Good luck ... Yuppers, I'm advocating getting "more involved" rather than less -- but in a you-control-it, private, quiet kinda way ...

what about the 7-year-old? In second grade, start to read and write and do arithmetic ... nightmares? hates anything new or wants to try anything? does the 7-year-old like you?

the middle child -- let's say this child is 10 -- these children have no sexes? -- really exploding in the learning department, still not "pre-teen" much less "teen" but this child knows that a change is gonna come ... his/her older sibling has told ... and this child remember when older sibling was 'normal'

What about that 17 year old -- boy or girl -- young woman or young man -- sexually active? college bound? military option? respectful or hell on wheels?

What I'm trying to get at is that your three stepchildren are very much individuals but I see no indication you are treating them as more than some sort of human pets that need to fed, watered (to keep them alive and tame), exercised (to keep them docile), amused (to keep them docile) and some how sufficiently indulged so that they won't bitch to either their mother or their father ...

How about deciding which one you like best and trying to be friend with that one ... plan an afternoon something for just the two of you.... I suspect the other two will be jealous but hey life's unfair... and they might get their turn ... or not

Get your weekend/week's itinerary figured out so you're not panic stuck by "what's for dinner?" ... ice cream is always good.

Good luck.

nom

It would be reasonable for the sister with the secret to tell her mother and/or her sister simply because keeping a secret within a nuclear family is difficult. Once told, Mom could might easily need the support of LW as someone "to talk to" -- or -- sick sister might need actual assistance from LW -- all while still being unready to throw the diagonsis (or problem) out for the entire extended family to weigh-in on, extend "support" and/or exhaust sick-sister with their horror stories and anxieties ...

Second, wrt "terminal illness" -- there is no "obligation" for any patient to tell anyone, beyond their spouse ... most people do tell others, eventually, in time. These days many people are living for years after reaching "terminal" (cannot be cured, will eventually kill them) status ...

Finally, I think LW should consider how she would feel today if she had only JUST found out about her sister's problem/secret ... without an apology, she's very likely to be among those late to find out ...

There are many legitimate reasons to protect one's privacy ... and then there are silly "secrets" ... LW says this secret was equivalent to a cancer diagnosis -- I know that well-meaning friends and family (particularly in some circles) can absolutely overwhelm the recipient of all their tender ministrations, advice and anxiety .....

Privacy is precious.

I don't know why your sister had this secret that she wanted kept ... but it was really shitty to blurt it out ... if keeping the secret became socially difficult or embarassing your could have consulted her or your mother, ferchrissakes.

Maybe your sister is usually the drama queen in your family -- so I guess this "swift move" had dethroned her -- and your obstinance re apologising makes you the reigning drama queen ...

I pity your mother. You might start by apologising for making a difficult situation worse.

many had connections with our Board of Directors -- and some had multi-year multi-million dollar contracts for essential services ...

I don't know where on the totem pole LW is, but I sure wouldn't "pick a fight" without making sure my boss had my back ...

I also worked with people who simply were acknowledged problem --- obsessive compulsive disorder, substance issues, breakdowns, etc. as well as other dysfunctional relationships between "boss" and "employee" like spouse, mistress, litigant ...

IMHO, it would be reckless to "hit back" too hard -- particularly without a green light -- you might spend the remainder of your days having to interact with someone who hated your guts and who unfortunately was likely to be at their job long after you've moved on ...

Save the heavy-hand for after the relatively private light-touch has failed to do the trick

he's got the "best job in the world" that he worked hard for, that millions paid to get him elected to ... this is the single most critical piece of legislation on the docket, imho -- I haven't had health insurance in 5 years ... why treat him like a 9 year old?

This sorta shite makes me hate boomers -- and I am one... booo hooo ... maybe Michele and the girls will have cake and ice cream when he gets off WORK ... FERCHRISSAKES.