I wanted to know more about how the danger of abusers are assessed. It seems that police departments have done (and are still doing) quite a bit of research on this because they are on the front lines of having to deal personally with abusers every day.

Summarizing what I found out:

The first and most important thing is the recidivism rate. Few crimes have such recidivism. So if an abuser hits you, you can bet it will happen again. Also, guys who show a propensity to violate conditions of parole and court orders are more likely to escalate abuse.

Which brings us to escalation itself. If it is getting worse, it is going to get worse still.

Among other behaviors that dangerous abusers show are a propensity to child abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, other altercations with the law, possessiveness and jealousy and monitoring, and threats of suicide by the abuser.

Dangerous offenders often have a juvenile record.

Abusers who show a willingness to sexually coerce, use weapons, or abuse by strangling are more likely to kill.

However, of the guys that actually kill, it seems that psychopathy is a really BIG factor. In their own modest way, psychopaths are the world's biggest control freaks.

So why do I bother with this summary? Maybe someone will see it and it will help that person see that leaving is truly the best option.

How you do it, when you do it, -- that is all strategy. Giving up your job, your children's schools, your home, even your identity is NOTHING compared to being dead.

Oh yes, it does happen in "nice" families as well. One reason we don't hear about it so much then is that so-called "nice" families tend to have more financial resources.

Do you always respond to honest disagreement by being verbally abusive?

http://www.fvlc.org/gethelp_whywomenstay.html

At the top of the list is lack of resources.

For instance, I wonder if anyone here has ever tried to apply for welfare in a small town only to realize that InHuman Services, in their zeal to collect back child support, requires that you provide the name of the ex-spouse?

Maybe you are underground -- maybe have even changed your and your child's name. They will then notify your ex-spouse that he owes back child support to you, Jane Doe under your new name. Cover blown!

To get an exception to rule will allow you to keep your privacy, you must have a Good Cause Waiver from Child Protective Services. In order to keep your privacy, you get a Good Cause Waiver from Child Protective Services. You cannot easily get a Good Cause Waiver from Child Protective Services unless you have an open case file with Income Support. If you open a case file with Income Support, you risk exposing your new ID and new location to the abusive ex-spouse. CATCH-22 anyone?

I suspect that you have not even read my other letters in this thread. You do not know my past. You do not know my circumstances. You do not know why I have arrived at my present puzzlement.

Wanting to really understand things requires thinking out of the box. Sometimes a certain social work type paradigm is a box.

Tell me how far you would go to help these women you are now volunteering to help. Would you break the law?

Thank you for responding to my question and to the courage to answer.

For some reason, I just really wanted you to answer me. It was an intuition I think.

I grew up as the eldest and only daughter in a family with four children. My parents put enormous responsibility on me to put my brothers first. They made it clear that my primary purpose in the family was to care for my brothers. My parents, while not alcoholic, were both psychologically and physically abusive to their children.

Therefore, your answer really hit home for me. Thank you again, because now I understand what may motivate some women to stay with an abuser. It also points out for me an area where I may be vulnerable.

I have resisted most social work. I am a volunteering type.

Well the psychopathy terminology came from the sites where I gathered info. It is basically cop talk.

However APD people are truly scary. I have met both males and females with APD. Lucky me. Just from my lay perspective, I would say that sometimes women diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder may be more APD than Borderline. Psychologists seem reluctant to apply the APD label to women -- possibly because there is less physical violence. Also, I suspect many women diagnosed as Borderline may have PTSD or some sort of dissociative disorder instead/also.

Also, we could get into a whole deal of trying to tease out NPD from APD. There is a pigeonhole for everyone no doubt.

Here was the point of the sites I visited: Psychopaths are more likely to kill. They were measuring that sort of risk.

Conclusion: If someone out there is wondering whether to give his/her out-of-control spouse another chance, a little reading might be in order.

I think the sad truth is that lots of types of people given enough stress or with their judgment impaired by substance abuse will hit.

Personally, now, I would be gone at the first sign of physical violence. Also, now, I know what Antisocial Personality Disorder is. That's life, isn't it? Missed chances . . . The things you learn too late . . .