Here we go again. Last week the LW was arm chair diagnosed BPD. I think she got a bad rap. She wrote several letters, but I don’t think that the text of those letters defined her as BPD.

This week we have “The Sociopath” – maybe? However he has only written possibly two letters in this thread. If the second letter is indeed his, then he surely has a credibility problem. Why? Some clever person, sorry but I forget who, looked at his few other letters. In one of them, he characterizes himself as over 50 years old. If both letters are the LW’s then he has achieved something I envy. He is getting younger.

Let’s try some basic logic:

Some liars are sociopaths. Does it follow that the LW is a sociopath. Not necessarily. Not all liars are sociopaths. Some liars are narcissists. Some liars are pathological liars. Some liars just want to avoid embarrassment.

Now try this: Some people who lack empathy are sociopaths. LW seems to lack empathy. Does it follow that he is necessarily a sociopath? No. He may be a narcissist, BPD, bipolar (too much in a manic state at the moment), or Asperger.

A former husband of mine was probably a sociopath. I had been married to him for fifteen years and had always been confused by him. I was always trying to figure him out. Why did he lie? Why did he steal? Why did he cheat? Why was he psychologically abusive? I spent so much stupid hopeless time trying to help him, to change him, to nurture him, to support him that I forgot all about me.

Boy was I dumb!

Then I read a book by Hervey Cleckley called “Mask of Sanity.” It was written long ago, but it was kind of a seminal text on psychopaths (now called Antisocial Personality Disorder), and it had a nice checklist with symptoms of psychopathic behavior. My then husband fit almost every symptom on the list, except frequent run-ins with the law. He had only had a couple of those. DUI and embezzlement. He was not especially violent. Instead he participated in a rather violent sport.

He was clever, manipulative, and finally, once pointed a gun at me. However, mostly he was charming, friendly, helpful, and, on occasion, a bit of a politician.

So I kept going back and forth in my head. Was he or wasn’t he? Overtime, he became a little more scary and a little more threatening. Finally, long after I should have left, I left.

Later, I tried to look at it all dispassionately. You see, it didn’t really matter whether he was a sociopath or not. What mattered is that he was a liar, a cheater, a thief, and a real psychological manipulator, and potentially (in fact ultimately) very, very dangerous. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz I was wearing the ruby slippers all along. I already had the knowledge that I needed to leave.

Now look at our LW. There is evidence that he may be manipulating his girlfriend. He wants to go mano a mano with a sick guy. He seems to have little patience with the dying.

We don’t need to make a diagnosis to make a judgment.

On the other hand, he may just be a fifty year old fool who has involved himself with a young woman who has a stepfather who naturally resents his stepdaughter’s involvement with an old coot. He may not have been able to properly find his writer’s voice once he began his letter with a lie.

Sure doesn’t bode well for the girlfriend.

One tiny thing does argue against him being a sociopath. I have had the misfortune to know several since I left my ex. I never knew one that sincerely asked other people's advice on matters of morality or behavior. They have morals and lecture won't reach them.

I think the letter may be a hoax, folks.

Sentence above should read, "They don't have morals . . ."

You may be right in your hunch about the LW. You may be wrong. But the behaviors and characteristics you listed as symptoms of sociopathy should be useful to readers.

Most people will deal with sociopaths in their lives. They are really rather unavoidable. Ideally, don't live with one. Socially, avoid them. However, in work or business, you may not be able to stay away from them for practical reasons. In the work place, it is advantageous for most of us to project a strong professional persona. If you think you have spotted a sociopath at work, don't extend your trust and never, never allow them to think that you are weak, compassionate, or especially empathethic yourself. They feed people like that. Nothing will serve you as well as clear boundaries.

A sociopath's basic motto is "Nice people swallow."

In my opinion, our last two Presidents have had strong characteristics of both sociopathy and narcissism.

When I was a CASA, I viewed psych evals on parents who had lost (most often temporarily) custody of their children. Most of the evaluations listed diagnoses not as firm, but as a certain percentage of the overall personality.