Letters to the Editor
AKA Smith
Published Letters: 4545 Editor's Choice: 83
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Amen, Anonymous. Amen.
[Read the article: I feel terrible about leaving but I have to go]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]If you look back over the letters, it becomes rather horrifying. It seems to me that the people who were so eager to call her a gold digger also considered her purchased. Some people are even willing to overlook the boyfriend's physical abuse of her. Worse yet, she seems willing to overlook it herself.
It sort of reminds me of the thinking (I hope long past.) that a married woman could not be raped by her husband.
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To squeakingwheel:
[Read the article: I feel terrible about leaving but I have to go]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Do you mind if I ask a few questions? You have represented yourself here as a "therapist." What sort of therapy do you practice? What degrees do you hold? Do you work under supervision? How long have you been in "private practice?" What professional journals do you read? If you favor a change in the name currently used in the DSM of Borderline Personality Disorder, what name change do you approve of and upon what basis?
Since you don't taint your practice with BPD, do you only work by referral? If you work with patients who have self-scheduled over the telephone, how do you weed out those weedy BPD people? If you should encounter one by accident in your office, how do you extricate yourself from actually having to deal with that person hence? Do you tell that person honestly how you feel about BPDs? Since BPDs are not exactly rare among people with mental health problems, it is hard to see how you could avoid encountering that problem often. Do you specialize in some particular type of patient? Do you ever work with clients with PTSD? Bipolar Disorder?
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SB4609, I'm not DTX, but why do we need an autopsy?
[Read the article: I feel terrible about leaving but I have to go]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The LW is still alive, although maybe just barely at this point. She came here for advice and not a stoning or an autopsy.
Cary's initial advice is pretty good in a generic way. He tells her to take her stuff and go. He tells her to remove herself from Jim's proximity and to cut off contact for awhile. Everything he says is really quite perfect for anyone who has already decided to breakup. He takes his cue from the LW's statement of "I have to go." While he admits his advice is rather 18th century, it is still great advice for people who "have to go." Sometimes the 18th century works just fine.
However, he did not truly address the LW's ambivalence. Her final words in the initial letter are: "I guess the question is, How do you know whether you're settling or just being realistic? And how long should a reasonable person hold onto their romantic ideals?"
Now I am not much on romantic ideals, but who am I to say this is a stupid question? Obviously for the the LW, this is an important question. If Cary had answered this question, we would be having an entirely different discussion -- maybe one that discusses the practical versus the romantic aspects of relationships.
Instead, we are all over the place, and you want to have an autopsy?
SB4609, my mother is BPD, but she is still a human being. Does the fact that she is BPD and not so great on empathy herself, exempt her from the human race? Does it mean that she is not worthy of empathy from those of us who have the capacity of empathy?
Furthermore, does the fact that I have serious firsthand experience of BPD, having grown up with the not-so-gentle enforcement of my mother's whims, mean that I am qualified to diagnose strangers on the basis of a few letters? Must our difficult experiences with others (of different races, sexes, religions, and diagnoses) mean that we forever have carte blanche to foam at the mouth over every other person of that category we hence meet, as a certain "Anonymous" in this thread uses invective, terms like "evil" and foam-flecked anger to excoriate a woman he/she has never met?
Also, a little discretion goes a long way. Let us suppose that the LW is indeed BPD. If she were in the room with us at a gathering and displayed BPD behavior does that give us the right to point at her and screech: "You are BPD!" As a analogy, if the LW were in a wheel chair or had an artificial limb, should we, with poor manners and blunt speech focus upon that disability and not the subject of the conversation? Even three year old children can be taught not to do this.
It is true this is only the internet, but there are real human beings behind every computer. In a sense, the LW is in the room. She made clear that she was very much in the room by responding to letters criticizing her. This was her way of saying, "Ouch." These days, apparently, saying you hurt is a cue for pack behavior.
Also, if you know anything about BPD, then you know about the suicide attempts that are common with this diagnosis. A certain percentage of BPDs are successful at this. If the LW were BPD, what has gone on in this thread can be compared to hollering the word "Jump!"
Charming. Just charming.
I could tell you stories about my mother that would curl your hair. However, I don't use her as a measure for other women. I don't use her as a measure for mental illness. I don't even use her as a measure to diagnose other people's BPD. I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but if I were, I hope would take the ethical high road and not diagnose someone over the internet on the basis of a few letters.
What has gone on in this thread is utterly shameful.