The "ladies-only" floor is a silly idea. First, it could be used to exclude men from that insidious female networking. And the special hair dryers? Give me a break! Who wants to pay $30 dollars extra for a hair dryer?

Such segregation could only be justified if they had special security passes or a special security guard in the interests of protecting women from commonly male-perpetrated crimes like rape. Most women already know how to deal with being hit on.

However, this reminds me of a rather scary experience I had staying at a not-so-classy motel in a small town. The motel seemed mostly populated by an oil exploration blue crew of blue collar men.

At two in the morning, I was awakened by hard pounding on my door and a man screaming, "Wanda baby, let me in. I wanna get it on with you." I went to the door and yelled through it that I was not Wanda. There was a pause and the pounding renewed with the man saying, "Well whoever you are, let me in. I wanna come in and get it on with you!"

You have added to my understanding, as has damnthatxanadu.

I believe I have learned more from this thread than any other I have yet experienced at Salon.

I also think it is pretty brave the way some, like Garry Owen, have added their intense personal experiences.

The first issue concerns the conversation that took place when your sister told you about her relationship with the married man. If you inadvertently found some evidence about the relationship before she told you about it, then you had some prior knowledge but no obligation to keep the secret. If you were probing into her love life, then you deserve the secret you got and the current burden of keeping it. If she foisted the knowledge upon you then the actual words spoken really matter.

Sometimes people do this irritating thing. They say something like, "I want to tell you a secret . . ." Or they say, "Can you keep a confidence?" If you agree to keep the secret or if you say that you can respect a confidence, then that is what you must do. You're trapped because you have entered into a sort of contract. Violate the secret and you break the contract.

Of course this is tricky. How many of us, with our curiosity piqued can really hold up a hand and say, "Don't tell me." ??? It's hard to do that, isn't it? It is almost contrary to human nature. Perhaps your sister was counting upon your natural concern and interest in her life.

Your sister's affair is necessarily filled with hideous and dishonest things. She has chosen a road bound to make herself and others miserable. Why she has done so is irrelevant to your choices. I actually urge you not to get too psychological about it. Do not seek to understand her in order to excuse her behavior. Furthermore, do not add to the dishonesty by breaking an honestly made promise.

The other issue is this: If you have not actually promised to keep the secret, who should you tell? Your mother should certainly never know, unless you want to cause her pain. Your other sister need not know unless you are for some reason eager to tell her. Are you?

If you are, then here is the point where you should get psychological and it is your own psychology you should examine. Don't get too Freudian about it. That leads people down the strangest, most convoluted trails. Just ask yourself what your pay off is if you tell.

Also, the next time this sister wants to tell you a secret, hold up your hand like a traffic cop and say firmly: "Please don't tell me. I will keep no more of your ugly secrets."

She will get the message clearly enough.

Don't get too Jungian either.