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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
AKA Smith
Published Letters: 6540 Editor's Choice: 93
Aren't you a little stressed out as well? Haven't you also been dealing with these losses? Give yourself a break and don't say anything to your daughter until you have had time to process your own pain and confusion.
Right now your daughter is still dealing with the divorce, Nana's death, and the loss of the cats. She does not need any more stress. So at least as far as your daughter is concerned, Dad should remain Dad until you can confer with a therapist and read up on the best ways to break the news.
Also, forget the party. Cary is off base there. The party would work with a four year old. However, eight is an extremely conventional age. A party when there is nothing to celebrate will just seem weird to her. I suspect you could not keep a party from becoming a jittery mirror of some possibly unresolved conflicts between you and your ex. I promise that your daughter will not see anything to celebrate about Dad becoming a woman. It will just be another loss. In the future, she will just see it all as a bizarre episode of adults behaving badly if you insist upon making it part of her life at this time and in such an inappropriate manner.
Instead, spend a little extra time with her. Maybe take some walks together and let a conversation flow between the two of you about ordinary and childlike things. These walks could include her father if he is willing to join you.
Parents keep many secrets from their children simply because they are children and they are not yet old enough to understand the circumstances. There is nothing wrong with this. It shows a refreshing discretion.
When you have achieved some distance and your own peace of mind about this, I suspect the right words will then come to you to tell your daughter that Dad will be making some serious changes. You and he should do this together to show solidarity.
I read the LW's letter carefully. I read Cary's reply and thought it made sense. I read all the subsequent letters with mixed feelings, my mind going back and forth like a ping pong ball. I blew smoke rings through the smoke screens of racism, Evangelical Christianity, and family lies. Then I read your letter.
It takes real smarts to see what may be the heart of the matter. Why on earth hasn't the LW said much about her husband, said man of Chinese ancestry? What is his opinion on the matter? He is, after all, her mate, her partner in life, to whom she surely owes a certain loyalty. Her stepson is after all his son. Anything she says or does may reflect upon or effect her husband's relationship with his son.
Maybe she should take a page from traditional Chinese families and consult the patriarch? Unless she would rather undermine him and his family ties.
Sorry. Messed up the heading to my previous letter. It is Traveall who is the genius.
Civilization would break down entirely. Ninety percent of families are built upon lies.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
