I'm 28 and I've had a "colorful" past, too. This woman's 28 and she's just now wanting to "experience" drugs? What was she doing between the ages of 17 to 23? There's a time and a place for drug experimentation and it's not when you're 28 and in love. You're supposed to be high everyday just from the experience of being in love with someone you admire and honor and who admires and honors you. I'm a single guy, mainly because my colorful past has taught me that to enter into relationships like this one usually end up in disaster. I find myself fairly annoyed by people like this guy and gal because it's of my belief that over half of relationships men and women enter into shouldn't exist in the first place. They do so because they would rather be anything than alone. And even though I admitedly get a bit jealous of couples that purport to be in love, I would rather be single for the rest of my life than to enter into any more stupid relationships based on silly, immature "love". Besides, dude, she's 14 years younger than you. Just go out and buy a Harley and a boat and call it a midlife crisis.

Some people might call me selfish for not attending weddings, but I believe it is selfish for someone to ask that I drop what I’m doing, book a flight and a hotel room, and watch two people participate in an outdated, self-aggrandizing institution that has less than a 50% chance of succeeding, and even less a chance of actually thriving. Oh, and you want a gift, too? Yeah, let me spend $300 on some ridiculously overpriced Williams and Sonoma nesting item and congratulate you on doing something that people do everyday and have done for thousands of years. You’re not special. But that’s part of the whole appeal of The Wedding to people, that undeserved “it’s MY day” type of arrogance. From childhood, The Wedding is built up in the minds of young girls in such fantastic light it’s no wonder that the days following The Day are often humdrum and anticlimactic. It seems like such a misappropriation of resources to spend upwards of $20,000 on one day of ceremony, when the couple could instead use that money for an extended honeymoon or a down payment or a college fund for their children. But I guess for most people, having all the attention on them for a day is priceless.

Friend,

The great Ellis Island adventure is no more. America is not the place of which your huddled ancestors yearned, but a shopping mall. One could drive across the country from parking lot to parking lot. The last great frontier has been used up, tossed out and littered with McDonald's bags. There's no reason for an outsider to come here anymore. For those here already and native to this country, we are watching the Great Empire fall right before our eyes. It may not be tomorrow or the next day, but it is crumbling. Every empire crumbles. As a country, we barely even produce anything anymore, save for financial services and ATM fees. Our whole economy is based on imaginary money, imaginary credit and we've lived so far outside our means for so many years now, it's inevitable that we crash. And we deserve it.

Whoa, Salon, every time I read you guys lately, I get so worked up I wanna head straight for the internet porn to calm this sexual storm a-burnin' in my loins. You guys are getting sexy! The other day I read about a not-so-desperate-thank-you-very-much housewife who's so subconsciously aching for a vigourous schlubbing, she's thinly veiling that desire in a little essay about the triumph of the old maid and her cats. SEXY! Today, I read this sexy story about the recession and how pubic hair is making a comeback as a result. These thoughts you are planting in my mind are making it too sexy to read Salon for awhile. I gotta go masturbate.

There's this "well-travelled and highly sexually active" lady-killer back on the sixth page of these comments who says he won't stick his "Johnson" anywhere until his eyes and tongue have "checked it out". Dude, you TOTALLY ROCK! I bet you do get all the ladies and I have no doubt that "they seem to like" you eyeing and tongueing their crotches before you stick your (jesus, I'm laughing out loud) "JOHNSON" in there. You TOTALLY RULE, bro. Bro, it's dudes like you who keep these chicks in line. You don't bother to call them back for another sexual rendezvous if their crotches are all stanky! You go out and stick your JOHNSON in something that smells good and then, if they're lucky, you call them for seconds. Dude, I gotta take lessons from you, bro! You ROCK! I guess reading Tucker Max really does help you get the chicks. Man, I really gotta buy that book.

As if to TOTALLY solidify your DUDE quotient and thereby make me even more awestruck and jealous of you and your skills with the ladies, you end your letter with "IN ANTICIPATION OF A NEW LOVER'S ARRIVAL". DUDE! You'll totally get her, bro!

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Bush is back!

Having been lucky enough to be both well-travelled AND highly sexually active, here's my 2 cents:

I have a rule: I won't stick my Johnson anywhere until my eyes and tongue have "checked it out" (this from a single bad experience). Women seem to like this. While a neatly-trimmed bush is pretty, a lady can wash and spray till the cows come home, but a half hour later the smell returns, and it's always 5 times "more fishy" with a bush. I'll still do the deed, but I definitely won't be back, or return calls. Sue me.

While I do like armpit hair, I wouldn't dream of putting my face in it.

IN ANTICIPATION OF A NEW LOVER'S ARRIVAL