Letters to the Editor
Torontonian
Published Letters: 42
-
LW and Step-Mom are It
[Read the article: My ex wants our 14-year-old daughter to witness his new wife's childbirth]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Thought it worth reinforcing the views in the later letters that this is a decision for the Step-Mom and Mom. The Mom needs to talk to SM for 2 reasons. 1) to make sure SM is genuine about it, and not doing it to please Dad only. 2) She is not romanticising it. There needs to be practical consideration for the daughter so she has her own "birth plan" - that she may choose to leave/return to the delivery room, by whom and how she'd be asked to leave the room, who will be with her/where will she be if she does leave the room etc.
The fact that this daughter is "mostly" fabulous implies she's not staid, and her reaction could be anywhere along the continuuim of experiences described by others who attended births as teens.
Also, I don't think you are at all selfish, LW. I salute you for struggling with your natural feelings of jealousy and exclusion in order to do the right thing for your daughter. It's clear that you will do the best thing for her without regard to any personal anguish.
-
Just say everyone's right
[Read the article: My boyfriend's a secret crackhead!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]He's right - he uses once a week and he's trying to be honest and take responsibility. You're right - you have an easy sweet rapport and you don't want to bail on him. And every poster is right that his story doesn't smell right and that you are likely on a terrible path downwards.
The the question is how and when do you exit, so that you in turn don't betray the supportive and non-judgemental side you've shown him. Lovely one minute, dump his ass the next, doesn't sound like you.
So how about you educate yourself. There are some good stories in these letters, and doubtless thousands more readily available on the internet. Learn of the signs and markers by the roadway if he is lying and a much stronger user than he says. Pick a point at which you are out. Let him know that these are your conditions. Then calmly leave without malice if and when he gets to the point where you have drawn your line. Your departure may be an important part of getting him to the place he needs to be to turn his life around.
Or, he doesn't get there and you have a solid relationship based on your affection for each other, the sweet ease of being together and his honest withdrawal from the drug scene.
Good luck, you seem to be a decent and good woman.
-
Not a fraud...
[Read the article: I feel like a fraud: I'm an unmarried marriage counselor!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]No, no, you don't have to experience what you give advice about, as others have pointed out - including supporting research. One's own life experiences can bring richness to one's understanding. However you are not paying for someone's personal experiences. You are paying for a counsellor trained in counselling technique and in theories of human behaviour, which create a framework for understanding the client's problem and framing assistance. It is a gut feeling that counsellors' own relationships help, but they are not relevant and as others point out, can be a negative. They are not relevant, or at best unpredicably relevant. Does one insist on a debt counsellor who went bankrupt, a school teacher who was bullied to help your bullied child or a doctor who suffers every problem of patients? No, obviously not. It's our ability to learn, analyse and emphathise that allows us to counsel others and this is a profession that can be learned. Otherwise heaven help every counsellor, psychologist and psychiatrist out there!
LW if you are guessing at how to help then you might be feeling a fraud, but if you are soundly trained then you are not a fraud.
-
Parking space blocker
[Read the article: I'm a condo parking-spot hoarder!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I like the idea of a metal blocking device with a combination lock. There are some triangular ones that sit fairly low. I would think the condo association would be open to these, they look neat and other/subsequent owners would benefit. You can elect to lower it for emergencies and 95 year old visitors. Otherwise, not much to add to the great advice here.
-
Could the issue be a bit bigger than just last night?
[Read the article: I did a vagina monologue but didn't tell my husband!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I'm figuring that you don't turn up and wing a segment of the VM on the night. Some of the segments involve several women, and the solo items all have a distinct style and delivery which would need practice and feedback to carry off convincingly. I would expect the LW to have prepared her part, and rehearsed in front of others on a minimum of one occasion. If this is a reasonable assumption then she's kept a planned and rehearsed endevour from her husband. More than "what I did last night" and a bigger issue to talk about afterwards.
LW, is it that you don't want your husband to be disappointed in you, if this isn't something he'd want you to do or respect you for doing? That's a tough one if so, but you say your marriage is strong. It can weather it. I suggest telling him in a moment where it can be a quiet-toned discussion, only because the fact that you wrote says that you're not comfortable not telling him.
(Don't mine these letter for fuel to justify getting indignant, BTW.)
-
@aeschylus
[Read the article: I did a vagina monologue but didn't tell my husband!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"That needs to be taken into account, no? I pray it wasn't "Reclaiming 'Cunt'"."
LOL - and pray that her husband doesn't find out all about what she was saying on stage from someone else....!