Why on earth do black men think that BECAUSE they are black they can say such disgusting and degrading things about women? If white men called white women the same thing there would be uproar. Shouldn't black men be setting an example, yes example, for how black women should be treated? It's doubly bad - how can they demand that white men don't call black women such names when they, who have a vested interest and identification with black women, pave the way?

Dear Cary, I share with a woman who has OCD. I'm pretty cool with this and we generally get on well. She has two cats and as I love cats, I play with them a lot. The roommate told me a while ago not to bounce them because it hurts their brains! This is nonsense - there's a huge difference between roughly shaking a cat (or a baby, and I know this because I have been a child care practitioner) and normal bouncing which just about everyone does in some form with their baby. In fact, there is no way a cat would put up with rough shaking. It would claw, bite, hiss, and wriggle so violently you couldn't stop it getting away. These cats come up to me, and we play constantly. It's not like I'm restraining one to play with it while the other runs away then I have to hunt down the other one - they like me and show it with their behaviour. So I told her that it was ridiculous, which it just plain is. I think she may be jealous of how much her cats like me.

Well, the other day my roommate told me that she couldn't get the idea out of her mind that I'm causing them brain damage and that I'm not allowed to bounce them and that I had to respect her wishes even if they weren't reasonable, and if I didn't believe her, to read this letter from Cary Tennis about it. I am highly insulted that she implies I would dream of damaging her cats, and offended that she is trying to control my actions. I feel that I put up with a lot and not just her OCD - cats also shed hair, have smelly cat boxes and yowl for attention when you don't necessarily want to give it. I understand that she has OCD, but don't I have rights too? Please advise how I should handle this. I don't feel comfortable around her cats anymore, even though they keep coming up for a cuddle and play.

It is surprising how little sympathy there is for an annoying situation this writer endures, from people who either (a) had similar experiences and didn't enjoy accommodating it and (b) haven't actually had to put up with it. The brain function of most people is such that an erratic, unpleasant and frequently repeated stimulus is distracting and increasingly irritating - irritating to the senses, not just ones feelings.

When did the concept of basic decency and manners, which would require the offender to minimize their impact on others, turn into some kind of political correctness where everyone tap dances around that person due to legislative pressure? It is a terrible thing that the perpetrator coughs. But what appalling manners to merrily inflict it on others. It's absurd to say that you ignore it to not look like you're discriminating. This person has a presumably medical problem and needs medical accommodation so that other people do not suffer the irritation and iterruption that any reasonable person would suffer. To force everyone into the yammering of music all the time or effectively a cone of silence and detachment from the office is not fair, although probably practical.

Divorced Christian parents have lost all moral right to comment on pre-marital sex. They tend to see the world in black and white, and that's the black and white that is relevant in this case. It is much, much more serious to take a vow in front of God then break it, than to fool around without having taken any promise to God not to.

I once said to my Mother "I'm sure you didn't do everything the way your Mother wanted". It wasn't part of an angry conversation, and it was interesting to see her stop and think; she was never quite as judgemental afterwards. I wonder if your two sets of grandparents would have refused to receive into their home their divorced children? The curent Queen of England was not even allowed to be in a room with a divorced person. Presumably that changed or she would not have been able to be in a room with her sister or most of her children. Times change and people change, and as divorcees your parents are not in a situation to refuse to grow.

PS to those who follow all Cary's letters and responses - I wrote the fake letter as if I were the roommate in the letter about the bouncing cat. Did not cross my mind it could be read as anything other than satire. Sorry about those who really thought it was from the housemate, and sorry to the LW as a consequence. That post is closed, only saw what had happened today so too late to post there again. Won't do satire again on an American site!