Letters to the Editor
Katymurta
Published Letters: 106 Editor's Choice: 10
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That is what Al-Anon is for
[Read the article: I can't get closure with my alcoholic ex]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]To the woman who wrote in about her alcoholic ex-husband and how to get closure--throw yourself into Al-Anon! That is what it's there for--to help loved ones and families of alcoholics.
The best way to have closure with a practising alcoholic is to detach and the best way I know how to detach is to become very, very active in Al-Anon. And turn it over to a higher power of your understanding.
Remember, the most loving act we can do for a practising drunk is to let them hit their bottom and give them the dignity to make their own mistakes.
You deserve kudos, by the way, for leaving him and taking care of yourself.
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I love it...
[Read the article: Why Bradsheet?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]You guys rock! This is so damn funny.....
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This sounds all too familiar...
[Read the article: I found a woman in my husband's drawers]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]When I read this column today, my stomach turned. I have been in a very similiar situation with the LW and my only advice to the LW is--listen to your gut.
Maybe the LW is being overly insecure and paranoid. Maybe the plotting ex is out to wreck the marriage. Maybe the husband is being shady and not-completely-honest.
I don't know what will be revealed in the long run. But I know this--if I could do my past relationship with my ex all over again, I would have listened to my gut and left him early in the relationship.
Ten years ago I was with a guy who swore up and down that he loved me and, for the most part, he showed it. However, he had issues with drawing boundaries with other women and one particuliar woman, (let's call her Lynda) was on a mission to win my exboyfriend. She called him all the time, had him over for dinner and bascially took care of his needs when I wasn't around. None of it would have happened had my ex drew the proper boundaries with her but, instead, he insisted all of it was OK because he wasn't attracted to her and was in love with me (his words).
I nagged, cried, got angry and basically tried to change him to act the way I wanted to, which was cut off his so-called friendship with Lynda and be a real boyfriend to me.
It didn't work. He dug his heels further in, insisting that he had a right to his friends. He also insisted that nothing was going on, even though, in my heart, I knew something wasn't right. Everyone around us keep saying I was being paranoid and insecure (sound familiar???)
Things got worse...much worse.
Then a miracle happened--I gave up. That is, I lived my life and moved on. I didn't break up with the exboyfriend (he did that for me) but I stopped trying to change him and spent time taking care of myself (went to San Francisco for a weekend--he was invited but didn't come along so I went anyway, hung out with my friends, etc.). Once I stopped nagging and controlling the situation, he panicked and broke up me. I was heartbroken but realized it was the most loving gift he gave me. You see, he moved next door to Lynda one week after we broke up and a year later they were married. Several years after that, they were divorced and he admitted that he screwed up, always loved me and never loved her. He said he did what he did because 'I am afraid of intimacy.'
Well, whatever. His life has gotten much worse and mine has only gotten better.
Point is, I didn't listen to my gut and I paid a very high price for a simple lesson. No matter--sometimes our best lessons come with a high price tag.
Dear LW, I don't know what you should do but I do know this--trust is everything in a relationship and if I can't trust the man I am with to draw the proper boundaries with a woman who is coming onto him, then maybe he isn't mature enough to be in a relationship. And, most importantly, if I can't trust my gut to tell me the truth, then my spiritual condition is out of shape and needs a major workout.
You know what matters more to me than anything else (especially having a guy in my life)? Peace of mind. Serenity.
I say to you--listen to your gut, take very good care of yourself and trust that everything will work out in the end. If you need to talk to him about any of this, I'd advice running it by a third party first so that you may choose words that are loving and non-attacking (I coulda used some advice on that!).
Then, I'd let it go. If nothing changes, then the question to ask yourself is--is this acceptable behavior? If yes, stop nagging and let it go. If not, then get a divorce.
Good luck and God bless.