... and let her go. You need to, and she needs you to. If you really care about her and don't want to hurt her again, you'll let her go. that means no more talks, emails, messages, anything. it is an act of selfishness on your part to cling onto her the way you are doing. her existence on this earth isn't just to fill a void within you. i'm sure if you were to go out with her again, you'd probably just try to sabotage the

relationship and cheat on her. You don't seem to be playing with a full deck of cards when it comes to love and relationships. You should seriously consider seeking professional help, not to figure out how to get her back, but to figure root cause of your behaviour so that when the next of your life comes along you don't blow it again.

I had to re-read the lw's letter twice, because he sounds a lot like my ex. I pity him (my ex), because I think deep down he has great potential to be a wonderful partner to someone. Unfortunately, he seems to be in his own world when it comes to love and what a healthy relationship consists of. He has been and still is continuing to make a mess of his personal life (his professional life, like the lw's, is going along great). When it comes to relationships, he was completely selfish -- he cheated on me and sucked me dry emotionally. When the relationship ended (my decision), I was left feeling very used. I've realized that he is a man who doesn't know what love is and how to truly love someone back.

Cary's advice is spot-on.

It's perfectly alright for male and females while in a relationship to have good friends of the opposite sex.

However, your situation with your bf and his myface 'friend' seems pretty sketchy and you know it.

I used to be in a relationship where I gave my bf too much leeway for some very questionable behaviour. I really didn't want to be one of those jealous and needy-type of girlfriends that guys always seem to complain about. At the time I thought I was being an understanding and liberated young woman with the man I loved. Boy how wrong I was.

How did he reward my patience and understanding? By cheating on me and then proclaiming that our relationship was never serious in the first place (I was dumbfounded at the time). He basically threw my patience back in my face. I've since realized that I let him make a mockery of me and our relationship. It wasn't patience and understanding that I was showing him. Instead, I was showing him that I had no backbone and I was his doormat. Not to say that what he did was right, but I'm at fault for not standing up for my feelings and needs by letting him walk all over me. If I had taken a firm stand, the relationship probably would've ended before he cheated, which would've saved my dignity in the end.

If you don't end it now or as soon as he comes back, he'll probably try pulling another humiliating stunt similar to this or worse in the future. Standing up for your needs and feelings doesn't mean that you're insecure, and I now know that. If he thinks your being insecure, he's probably not the man for you then.

He doesn't seem very committed to this relationship even though you are living together. He's probably has the grass is greener on the other side-type of attitude when it comes to relationships. His behaviour is possibly a big sign telling you that deep down inside he doesn't want or cannot be in a serious relationship.

Anyways, DTMFA!!

PS -- I strongly believe that a couple be going out for at least a year before moving in together. How well do you really know somebody after only a few short months?

if the gender roles were reversed? would the lw get the same kind of response from cary and others encouraging her to explore herself if they were a man with a wife and kid(s)who was banging an 18 year old girl?

just throwing it out there...

C'mon!! you two deserve each other! she's an experienced cheater, she cheated on her last boyfriend with you, you're a singing waiter, she's still in love with her first boyfriend, you don't trust her. how blissful!

sounds like a match made in heaven to me! ;)

I can understand where the LW is coming from -- I know couples who are in relationships like your friend.

I have 2 good male friends who are the very laid-back sort. The women they are with often can be quite bossy and uptight with them at times. I used to think that my guy friends deserve better. However, I've realized that these guys like or maybe need a woman who leads their life. They're certainly off the couch more and smoke less pot. It's like they'll be lost without their SO! I don't know how happy they are in their relationships, but that's for them to worry about, not me.

all I can suggest is to let your friend live his life, and that's including letting him make his own mistakes.

I don't understand why you want to tell the husband? Why? What goes on in your ex's life is NONE of your business! It's up to the wife to tell him if he doesn't find out first.

Anyways, stay away from her!! Cut contact and quit putting your nose where it no longer belongs. Your exes affair is between her and her husband -- not you!

You should focus your time and energy into your own current relationship instead of stirring up trouble in some other person's home life.