There is no question but that we have free will. Our fantasies, however, frequently insist on going down a different road than the one offered to us by our lives.

My father began his career as a protestant minister, firmly committed to Christ. Somewhere in the 1960s, it became clear that the church itself was not so committed, in that it was following southern habits of segregation and exclusion, helping to prevent people from living lives given to them equally by God. He began to rail against this, in and out of the church, and became a tiny part of the great change, whose end we found firmly rooted in our very secular constitution.

He became, and always will be, a hero for me. You would likely never, ever see his name in print. There were many great people more visible than he, all freely choosing to work heroically toward that common goal. There are many, possibly more, who freely chose not to, and saw the change well up in spite of them, and may regret having had no role in bringing it to life.

He was a chain smoker. He later died of emphysema. My mother became my hero, for living the singlemindedness of keeping him comfortable for his last three years, which he spent on a ventilator in his bed. And I became his hero when I quit smoking in 1983.

None of the three of us felt particularly heroic, you understand. But each of us was perceived as a hero by the other.

We can't underestimate individual greatness, in individual circumstances, and we can't underestimate the circumstances that life will force on us -- possibly tomorrow. I have long defined a hero as someone who acts as I imagine myself acting, under circumstances that require it. The circumstances can require as small a thing as saving a dog's life, or as great as putting your life and career on the line to rail against the status quo. In either case, the choice is personal and free, and not really available until a moment in our lives requires the choice to be made.

So honestly, set it aside for now. The chance to be heroic will arrive when you least expect it. There are some other very nice parts of life that in the end will mean just as much.

Skip the reasons. You just gotta embrace this.

You know, LOTS of things can happen between now and the wedding.

(Like... will the brother actually still be AROUND when the CHILD is born? You KNOW this?)

And then, LOTS can happen between the wedding and... whatever.

(Trust me here... you are going to have some days a LOT worse than the one you're imagining.)

Life is great. Invite her and all her friends. She didn't get pregnant to ruin your wedding. She did it because she's an idiot. But she's going to have a BABY! You GOT THAT? And that BABY can grow up to be PRESIDENT! A GOOD one! No, REALLY!

Sorry. I just held another new one today. They just get better and better. I hope you can have as many as you want. And grand children, and great grandchildren. They slobber on you, and they throw up in your face, and they poop on your new dress, and there is nothing, nothing as good. Time was, you would get married just so it was legal to hop in the sack and start one!

(Our own bodies trick us into thinking it's desire.)

If the baby is crying, grab it as you go down the isle. Make a heroic attempt to calm it down. Be sure the photographer gets a CLOSEUP. The organist is a professional, and has a REAR-VIEW MIRROR to see where you are (really!), so take your time. And if the sister-in-law-maybe-to-be falls short, adopt the baby. My kids have so many friend that I wish I'd been able to deliver from the stupid life that they won in the birth lottery.

This will not be the last kid that you feel needs to be rescued. And it won't be the last problem you have with your marriage. But God Almighty, have a PARTY! Bring ALL the kids! Make some NOISE! Then have a baby (have two!) and go to someone else's wedding! Nurse them in the sanctuary! Let 'em loose and watch how they upstage the preacher! They are a force of nature, and it doesn't much matter what your plans are!

Me, I eloped.