I join others who offered sympathy and thanks to the author. I'd like to talk of something else, though. I try to imagine myself in the shoes of her autistic son and I would say that I would likely prefer to be heavily medicated than risk killing or seriously hurting someone, especially his own mother. This man, even though he is autistic, is obviously a conscious being, who is in great pain, but in as much as he is self-aware, he carries some of the burden for his actions. I doubt he would appreciate that his parents are letting him carry such burden like that. Being high-functioning academically is nice, but what good does it do? It is also tragic that whatever sane wishes he may have are also being ignored. If he doesn't want to go to school and complete certification, it would be better to acknowledge that and leave him alone. He has enough difficulty coping with the disease.

I may be oversimplifying some things. I don't have much direct experience with autism, although I have thought much on the topic. To tell you the truth, it really scares and horrifies me. I hope we'll find better ways of getting people with autism to express themselves. Many cannot talk, but instead they can type. But I think there should be a clear sense of what the priorities are. When violence such as this exists, everything else is secondary.

otherwise, some of the posts here I find infuriating. Many are good and compassionate and talk from personal experience, but some have the chutzpah to provide diagnosis. I would also second the caution about medications and therapists -- it's good to have an ally, someone you can trust, but if the person is not your ally, they can do a lot of damage. To me, self-reliance and listening to yourself and what you are doing is the most precious thing I have.

Also, LW, since you mentioned Old Testament, maybe you should look into Judaism? I have one person among my facebook connections, who, as I learned recently, went to a seminary and ended up converting to Judaism. I'm not seriously advocating that, but I just thought of her, since you also have a degree in divinity. Maybe instead of religion, the real alternative would be to reach out to internet communities, like facebook, myspace, or some other forums -- just to broaden the number of different connections and listen to different voices.

More than any advice, I'd just want to offer my sympathy. Hang in there.

In my view, self can be described as having two parts, one is the verbal part, the one heard in the letter, and the other one that is more like the non-verbal emotional part, the one that actually does most of the real work. When you meditate, it allows you to go away from the verbal, reflective part, and reconnect with the process part.

However, the two have to be connected, and the best way to do this is to look around and find what you think is important for you personally to do (not getting stuff like health insurance, although that it obviously important, but more like creating stuff yourself) and then try to achieve it. And as you are trying to complete a task that is not trivial, like maybe finish a B.A. or even just one course, or maybe reaching out to someone and trying to make a connection, in that process you will get a chance to reconnect the two parts of yourself.

What I think often happens then is that the reflection part is too critical and too negative in its treatment of the process part. So you have to be a little kinder to yourself and let your process part go where it wants to go.

I bet the decision to leave the recent ex-boyfriend actually came 3 months ago. It just didn't become clear until recently. If you keep thinking about ambitions, your own and someone else's, eventually you internalize it as an important consideration and act on it. Now all of a sudden other considerations start to appear. It doesn't mean that the decision itself was right or wrong. I can understand though that it can be upsetting when you realize what you are doing only later, but that's how most things happen in life.

How is it I am justifying deaths? Why would I try that? You are assigning me moral depravity just to smear me.

Answer me this: what possible motivation would IDF have in deliberately killing UN workers? What proof do you have that these deaths were deliberate?

I'm calling you sick for whitewashing Hamas of blame and instead piling all the blame on Israel. More than that, many of you are implying that Israel is targeting civilians deliberately.

But now I will also add that you are sick in trying to make me look as if I like that Palestinian civilians are dying or that I'm boasting of IDF's killing power. Great smearing technique, bravo!

so what, are you saying that IDF is deliberately targeting civilians?

and btw, I agree that using cluster bombs in Lebanon war was immoral. Are you saying that somehow I am defending it?