I agree with the posters that said not to tell him. What if the feeling is mutual? Then you are in a worse situation. I appreciate the letter writer's honesty. A relationship like that feels so good it is easy to glide along, moving from appropriate and platonic to... something more... gradually, without knowing exactly when you crossed the line. There is no point in blaming the letter writer for getting into this situation. It is painful enough as it is.

It seems to me a clean break would involve the least amount of pain for all involved, if she could find another job. If she stays at that job, but backs off on helping, then there will be some awkwardness and wondering why and she will be continually reminded of what was. In order to move on after ending this "emotional affair", the LW might need to grieve it's loss before trying to move on. I think she is right about needing to spend more effort on her own life. If she has family or friends who are alcoholic or otherwise addicted, Al Anon would be very helpful; they have a lot of experience with helping people move from caretaking to living their own lives and helping others in healthy ways. Good luck!!!

I agree with the comments that said maybe the LW is being codependent in trying to find the perfect way to talk to her husband who is probably mistreating her. Maybe she needs to take care of herself first; tell him he is hurting her and let the chips fall where they may.

She is trying to be superhumanly loving.

Other people don't appreciate this like we think they ought to, I have found, being guilty of this myself. They know that we are just human. They know that it is a little dishonest and often there is self-righteousness in it. They react to the self-righteous "at least I'm working on myself and being loving" attitude with anger because they see that we are putting them down with our compassionate, long-suffering love. Instead of being in there, being human with them, we are coming from on high. Maybe that's just me - maybe you aren't doing that at all.

It sounds like you are more in danger of accepting poor treatment than in acting in an unloving manner. Maybe the thing to do is to get honest with yourself about how you feel - deep down are you angry? Check your motives, even when being "loving". And, as a friend has had to advise me over and over recently, put God first. Maybe God is saying, "first get right with me, then I will help you with your husband". Maybe I am advising myself! Good luck, I hope it works out!!!!!!

I had a similar problem when I was in graduate school, depressed, and pretty much hating it. I went to grad school in a technical field I was good at, although I come from an artistic family and really, deep down, wanted to do something more creative. I didn't know this, I just kept beating myself up for "why can't I get up earlier?" and "why don't I work harder?"

I didn't have to be in at a certain time and I would go in very late and feel terribly guilty. I fell in with some amazing people at a Quaker meeting. Their advice: "Be late as long as you can. When you're ready, you'll stop." Now this sounds crazy, but it worked. I had some sort of emotional block/rebellion thing all wrapped up around the issue of "you can't make me come in on time". When they said, in effect, "so what, we're not going to play that game with you AND we're not going to judge you; we love you anyway," I was able to let it go.

Their advice comes from an incident in Quaker history when William Penn became a Quaker, which means also pacifist, and felt conflicted then about wearing his sword, which was required at the time for men in his position. George Fox told him, "Wear it as long as you can."

The other thing the Quakers helped me with, "You are not your work, you are not what other people think of you, good or bad." There have been many harsh answers here - ignore them! You are not a bad person because you are late or a good person because you are artistic. That kind of thinking leads to the kinds of emotional blocks that get us into trouble. Good luck!!!!!