Letters to the Editor
melew1
Published Letters: 94 Editor's Choice: 5
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I get this
[Read the article: I quit being a musician because I couldn't play without drinking]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Wow, Cary, that was an amazing answer. LW, I can totally identify with your letter--being the first born, my parents having the high expectations for me as a sucessful, brilliant artist. The high expectations I placed on myself became an endeavor of self-destruction through the use of alcohol to numb my feelings of inadequacy. My life was consumed by one thing...intense fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of people's judgements. Fear of not being good enough, smart enough, talented enough. Fear of not being able to handle achievement. Fear & insecurities ruled my heart & my head, & it made me angry & bitter, so my drinking progressed until it finally dawned on me that what I was doing to myself could eventually kill me.
LW, when you stated in your letter that you had a big ego, what you're really saying is that you have a fragile one. We artist types are very sensitive & are often precieved as misunderstood, so it's almost as if we are cursed rather than blessed with our innate, unique talents that can sometimes spell disaster if we are not cognizant enough to realize that by punishing ourselves through self-medication, we often step over that line & wind up falling into a pit of disaster. We end up fulfilling our own self-destructive prophesies.
Please, LW, you are self-medicating your pain. If you haven't quite crossed that invisible line yet, soon you probably will. But it sounds like maybe you have. Maybe you haven't hit rock-bottom yet, but I guarantee you that if you continue to follow the path you're on right now, you will. Sounds like you've hit an emotional abyss, so the only advice I can give you is to completely stop your drug use/drinking if not now, then very soon. It will never help you deal with the dillemmas you currently face in your life, it will make them 1000 times worse. However you choose to do it, whether through cognitive therapy or group support, it's all up to YOU & you need to figure out a way to help mend your damaged soul. Good luck, & in the meantime try to do some physical working out like others have suggested, because it definately helps the body & brain to relax. Stay closest to the people who care & love you the most, & most important, please give yourself a small gift by treating yourself to something you enjoy...just for today.
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Wish I could turn back time
[Read the article: I'm perpetuating the cycle of emotional abuse]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Excellent topic & letters. Without going into a whole lot of details about my emotionally abusive childhood, I can totally relate to everything the LW said about the anger. I too have been very distrustful of people my entire life & have kept my intense fear & explosive, seething anger hidden just below the surface...reining it in for fear that I might wind up hurting anyone who violates my fragile trust. People have always told me that I, too, behave very timidly & meekly, because I'm acutely aware that deep down I have a very violent temper which scares the hell out of me. I'm currently struggling with a resentment I have for someone which has basically turned into an unhealthy obsession, & I just recently made a decision to get onto therapy to have it dealt with before I implode.
It's a relief to me now knowing that I'm not the only one who has experienced this type of frustrating condition, but I just wish I could have recognized the problem earlier in my 20's to get a better understanding of why I'm this way.
At least the LW was able to do this at a young age as I'm now in my 50's. But I'm hoping it's better late than never.
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From another artist's perception
[Read the article: I hit my sister in the head with my purse when I drink]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]My flat-out opinion--yes you're an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic too, but one in recovery. Quit 2 years ago. Oh yeah, I'm also a sensitive artist, an introvert who craves my peace & solitude. We're alike in that aspect. But I do not have a husband or children to interact with, to witness the gradual, painful wrath they experience from an alcoholic actively descending into her own self-made hell--so I consider myself lucky not to have ever had to drag anyone else into my slowly eroding abyss of drunken behavior. But I'll tell you what happens when you give up the booze, at least from my perspective: For many years, I put creating my art on hold, because the drinking was the only thing that mattered. Maybe you're not quite there yet, maybe your drinking pattern doesn't seem too out-of-control at the moment. But I guarantee you that it will if you keep it up. Drinking will never, ever inspire you to create art, it does just the opposite. It robs you of your artistic spirit & expression, destroys your mind function along with self-confidence, & after awhile it just becomes easier to drink away life's frustrations rather than attempting to be creative & constructive with your god-given talents. You become slowly imprisoned by your own actions, because you become addicted.
After some sober time under my belt, I reluctantly began to create my art again after many years of giving it up (I say reluctantly because I was afraid I'd lost my talent for good) & lo and behold--it came back with a vengeance. It was freeing, nurturing, spiritual & confidence building. It was validating. It made me grateful. Now I'm having my first exhibition in a small gallery here in town.
LW, please try to seek some help. Not only do you have a family that needs you, I think you might have some precieved underlying issues of why you drink, possibly stemming from depression (like myself), so therapy can help with that. You are squandering away something that gives you joy & passion. You can take small steps to achieve that goal, but if you continue on your path, you will lose virtually everything. If you stop drinking, everything in your life will vastly improve--your family relationships, your health & peace of mind as well as your creative abilities. But you must be willing to take that first step. I wish you much luck.