Letters to the Editor
melew1
Published Letters: 123 Editor's Choice: 6
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wow...
[Read the article: After years of being meek, I'm suddenly screaming at people!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, you really struck a chord with me. Having grown up with a mother who was addicted to prescription drugs & alcohol,I experienced the wrath of her unpredictability & verbal abuse on a regular basis. I grew up walking on eggshells, because I never knew when mom would suddenly snap. There was the emotional blackmail, the OD's, my parent's divorce. I was taught from an early age that anger, justifiable or not, was just not acceptable from a lady in polite society,& I knew that my mother's hypocrisy was something I couldn't escape from. As a result, I became a fearful, spineless, resentful, defensive & insecure adult with my anger festering like a boil on the inside, just below the surface--all the while maintaining a facade of politeness, grace, & "niceness" on the outside. I just wanted desperately to be liked, so when I became a compulsive people pleaser at the expense of ruining my sanity, I began to drink. ALOT. I thought that my being meek was a desirable asset. Better to be a doormat than to be assertive where (heaven forbid) I could find myself in a confrontation with someone who was being unfair or rude to me. Sure, the alcohol numbed the pain for awhile, but after a few decades worth of self hatred, self abuse, & a warped sense of reality, I finally quit. Of course, in a short time my anger had its way of rearing up its ugly, demonic little head again--& I had to find a healthy way to reign it in. With all of this out-of-control, decades old bottled up rage, what on earth could I possibly be capable of doing to another human being who would dare to threaten my fragile ego? I decided that taking some constructive action might be a good start. I eliminated toxic friends & bosses from my life, & surrounded myself with sincere, caring ones. I went into therapy, I hit the gym to release my pent-up rage & aggression. I returned to doing my artwork. I took baby steps. I started to get glimpses of what inner peace would feel like, & actually began to like the feeling. I forgave my mom. I began to let go. I began to understand the difference between justifiable anger & unjustifiable anger, & I'm learning how to be more patient. But trying to undo a lifetime of unhealthy responses to life isn't easy, we just need to understand that by taking certain actions, things can actually get better,& it's not our fault that we grew up in scary, dysfunctional environments. This is just from my own personal experience, LW. At least you didn't engage in such senseless, self destructive behavior the way I did, & that's what I regret doing the most. I think you'll be ok, LW. I really do.
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Lessons to be learned
[Read the article: My neighbor is having coffee with somebody new]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]This letter could have been written by me, with the situation somewhat in reverse; different circumstances. I, too, had a neighbor nearby I shared coffee with, we became close friends, & really enjoyed some great laughs & conversations over a several year period. She was very bright & alot of fun. I was working at the time, when I did some soul-searching & realized I needed to make some drastic changes in my life in order to improve it. I left my job to take time off to heal--the reasons are too lengthy to explain, but it was a very personal decision. Luckily, I was financially secure with some investments so I knew money wouldn't be a problem. That's when my troubles really started. The neighbor was older, lonely, & really needy--I felt sorry for her, wanted to lend a sympathetic ear to her when she was feeling bad, so I didn't mind hanging out with her at first. She was sooo delighted to know that I had so much time on my hands--now she had a pal to buddy with. BIG MISTAKE!
Pretty soon, the manipulation started with the bullying, the name calling, the personal attacks, the guilt trips, etc. & I knew that somehow I needed to get out of this toxic "friendship" ASAP. However stupidly or naively, I never set the proper boundaries, something I knew I should have done much earlier. I couldn't say no to her, & I felt trapped & intimidated beyond belief. This went on for about 3 months. When I refused to return a phone message she'd left on my machine one day, I later that evening recieved an extremely mean, sarcastic e-mail--& I decided that was it, I was done. I'd finally come to realize that she just had this insatiable need to control people in order to make herself feel better.
Point is,I will never again completely trust neighbors, no matter how friendly or good their intentions might seem. We really don't know what their true motives are, what goes on in their heads. By setting boundaries, we lessen the potential for emotional abuse. We can still remain friendly & cordial, as neighbors, but true friends don't treat others like s**t & that was an important lesson I needed to learn. Your neighbor is childishly needy & just wants a pal to hang with, & when you started working, she became resentful & petty. You don't need her--she's trying to manipulate your feelings by making you feel guilty for going to work. You're not at her beck & call anymore. Move on, make some new real friends that truly care about you, & for God's sake, learn to set boundaries. BTW, I've never spoken to this former "friend" again--been almost a year--& it's the best decision I've made in a long, long time.
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To Anonymous, Who Said Neighbor Was A Narcissist
[Read the article: My neighbor is having coffee with somebody new]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Amen. THANK YOU. You are SO correct. You STATED EXACTLY to the LW what I initially intended to express, but was either too shy, polite, sensitive, or inhibited to be so bold. Guess that's why I got shit on by my neighbor in the first place. Sometimes, some of us need to loudly spew some tough words to inspire others to listen. And listen, hopefully, we try. AND to learn from our mistakes.