I swear I can never understand people who say the spouse, Significant Other, whatever is so wonderful, kind, loving, great parent, etc, and then in the next breath go on about how the same person is a drunk, domestic abuser, gambler, the list goes on. The same person who is nice when sober but mean when drunk is mean, period.

In your case, however, he IS telling you the truth. You just don't want to hear it. He is happy drinking, doesn't give a damn what you and the rest of the family thinks, and sees no reason to change. I don't see why he should change either. He's married with a wife waiting for him at home keeping things together, does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with no repercussions. You, my dear, are the one with the problem.

He may be hardworkng, and he certainly is honest, but he is NOT kind, nor is he particularly smart. The first thing you need to do is realize that you do not have the marriage you want, and that he is not ever going to be the person you want him to be. You misjudged his character, thinking that the sober husband was the total picture and the drunk one was the aberration.

You need most of all to keep your mouth shut about your unhappiness and get to a legal and financial adviser pronto to figure out how you are going to manage on one paycheck. When you do figure that out, get the guns and get rid of them and the same day move out. No discussion, no negotiation.

He'll want to discuss and negotiate when you finally take action, but only because his comfort has been disrupted. If you acquiesce, it's back to square one. I don't think you will ever be able to let him back in because HE IS HAPPY BEING DRUNK!!

Get out now while you can still have some semblance of a life with a more secure financial future. Unless of course this is really the life you want, being the martyr. Some enablers really do like the whole unhappiness thing, but need to blame their unhappiness on others instead of owning up to their own emotional pathology. You have to decide who you are on that spectrum.

Peace.

Some people don't care about family history and some people do.

Some people have significant family health histories and some don't.

Most people have the option of looking further into these things if they desire because they were raised by biological family or they had adoptive parents who were honest enough and secure enough to tell them they were adopted.

LW is right in the expression that the parents want to fully "own" the child. It is all about their needs and not the child's.

If this woman is 35, she was born in 1972-3, not exactly the prehistoric ages. There were many studies already done about children needing to know they were adopted, and about the long-term harm of lying to them. It is a very selfish act indeed these parents have perpetrated, and for what end?

If the biological mother was a teen, the adoptee's parents are probably still alive, and she deserves the choice of whether she wants to look them up, or other biological family members.

LW, it is up to you to decide if you are the one who will tell her, but she most certainly should be told. It is disturbing how patronizing many of the responders are about continuing

the lie.

Of course, this all might be a moot point if the niece has already figured out she is adopted. You won't know until you ask her.

It's simple all right. Logic it's not.

You are spending far too much time worrying about something your husband seems to have under control. You need to learn, the earlier the better, that you cannot please everyone all the time.

If she cannot or will not understand your beliefs, or won't talk to you directly about them, don't worry about respecting her. She doesn't respect YOU or anyone else who doesn't attend her church.

Life is short, and so far you have a loving, like-minded husband, one healthy child and I assume work that you like. That's far more than most people get in a lifetime.

Mother-in-law can come to see you if she is so concerned. Once a month sounds like plenty of time to me.

Do not let anyone take up space rent-free in your mind.

Unlike most of the posters here, I don't think the LW sounds that young, immature or inexperienced. Indeed, it seems as though the cousin got used to using LW as a free therapist to vent, and believe me, that gets very depressing for the one listening.

So LW has always known the ex, and possibly predating cousin's involvement with him. LW is invited to Europe, cousin finds out and is upset? LW should suddenly have no life outside cousin's realm, and heaven forbid that the Ex might be getting on happily with life without her in it?

It takes a few bad relationships and getting past them to realize that you can't just cut people out of your life if they don't conform to your irrational, emotional controlling wishes. Sounds like SHE is the one who is inexperienced and callous.

LW, please don't waste your time trying to make peace with your cousin, and let your mother know that the disappointment goes both ways. Mom will come around, but if cousin doesn't, who will she vent with when this new relationship goes sour?