Why? Because no matter what we say, or the tone we say it in, there is no avoiding the ultimate conclusion that feelings of self-worth, self-confidence and self-respect have to come from INSIDE oneself.

Maybe a lot of us who post here are "step skippers" — we read yet another one of these letters, and we know all the cliches of the situation before we even get to the end.

So we can sigh, and drag out our delicately measured, compassionate advice once again, carefully laying out all the pros and cons and what ifs . . . . or we can skip all that tedious "showing our work" and just get right to the point, and say it loud and clear: "LOOK. THIS IS HOW IT IS."

We may often wish for it to be otherwise, but sometimes we have to be honest and just admit that for some questions there is really only one right answer.

We all have times when we are down, and vulnerable, and of course we all make mistakes. We have all been there. We all know this boyfriend, this girlfriend, this relationship.

Some mistakes are minor, but some mistakes can be catastrophic.

When someone writes to a public forum, and is clearly on a path obvious, stomach-churning disaster, how can we not respond with anything but the utmost firmness and certainty?

Let me assure you, and everyone else here, that if I noticed that your house was burning down, I would tell you to get out — in no uncertain terms!

I am familiar with that old problem of having yet more "woman's work" piled upon us . . . but I think this situation itself illustrates yet another outdated example of exactly that "woman's work"—an age-old belief that it is a woman's "job" to "improve" men, to make them change, and to agonize about what to do if they don't.

I don't think this forum is quick to let men off the hook. There have been many, many discussions here about men who are abusive or irresponsible, and the readers are VERY quick to point out that there are certain behaviors and attitudes that are simply not acceptable.

In this case, however, a woman was the LW. She does, in fact, seem to be dealing with the very definition of a "blob from whom you can only expect one thing."

So what to do? Wait around for years and hope he changes? Or accept that he is "serious" about all this "no strings attached" stuff and either live with that or . . . let him go, and get herself a better boyfriend.

I don't think the boyfriend has been dishonest. I don't think his lifestyle is particularly mature or desirable, but that is only my opinion — what he is doing IS stupid, disrespectful and uncaring, but not against the law. Some people in the world DO willingly accept these kinds of arrangements. I personally do not, and so I have been vocal here that I think it was extremely poor judgement for the LW to get involved in this dead-end "relationship" in the first place. And it is a dead end.

As for myself, I try to lead a loving, responsible, caring, compassionate, open-minded and interesting life. I have learned that you can't really make people change. You have to let them be who they are and decide if you can accept them in your own life or not. And there's that "limits" thing again.

Which is why, in this case, I, a woman, responded to this woman, the LW, that she has to accept that, yes, she does have much work to do—on herself—if she wants her own life to be different than it is.

If there is too much of an adamant tone from some of us respondents, it is not meant to be mean. Rather, it is the voice of experience shouting a "WAKE UP" to someone who really should know by now that there are millions of worthy, honest, kind, loving people out there that you can have in your life, and that there is NO need to put up with the jerks and losers.

And I think both men and women are willing to "do the work" of saying that, loud and clear.

All the best to you.

—SVS-NS

Your last letter almost made me cry.

I don't know who you are, but I read your letters and so I KNOW you are not worthless.

You MUST find ways to remember that.

I don't know anything about online dating, but it doesn't seem to have much of a success rate for anyone as far as I can see. (At least not "success" as I would define it.)

I wish I could tell you where all the "good" men are but I really don't know. But I don't think they are meeting women online.

Please do not give up. Please hang in there. Please know, always, that you are worthy of love.

Don't be too quick to overlook what may be a hidden treasure, but don't settle for Mr. Wrong either. You know him when you see him, and he will not make you happy.

I wish you strength, peace, happiness and love.

—SVS

That remark about "bad pre-grunge, indie-band videos" — it's an affectation that marks those of us who grew up in the 80s and 90s.

Nerdy, insecure teenagers used to use it to loudly and clearly indicate to all within listening range that they "knew better" about something that someone else, more nerdier than themselves, might have (mistakenly) thought was cool.

As in: "That's like something that happened in a REALLY BAD Brady Bunch episode!" — telling everyone that they KNOW ALL ABOUT IT . . . but never actually LIKED it (even though they obsessively watched every single episode when they were 6.) The more obscure and local the reference the better: "That's like a REALLY BAD ad for Mel Farr Superstar!"

It's a Gen X thing . . . the kids don't use it very much today.