Women! Girls! Ladies! (And some of you guys!)

The most amazing thing happens in your life when you start saying "I CHOOSE" — and take responsibility for the outcome, whether positive or negative.

Try it:

"I CHOOSE to live with my boyfriend because I WANT to"

OR

"I CHOOSE to NOT live with my boyfriend because I DON'T want to."

"I CHOOSE to be with people who are honest and who treat me with respect."

"I CHOOSE to NOT be with people who don't care about me."

"I CHOOSE to run up my Visa card for a frivolous purchase, and know I will have to pay the bill. That's OK, I chose that. I accept responsibility for the bill." (As opposed to "I don't know how this happened. I'm just a silly girl who can't be trusted with money.")

"I CHOOSE to not buy tenant's insurance for my apartment, because I would rather spend the money on X. I know the risk, but I know and accept the risks."

"I CHOOSE to travel to Destination X, rather than Destination Y."

"I CHOOSE to use or not use birth control. I take responsibility for my life and health."

"I CHOOSE to spend my time doing THIS, not THAT."

"I CHOOSE. I DECIDE. I CONSENT."

It's hard at first, because you have to know—really KNOW—your own mind: your feelings, needs, desires. It takes confidence.

And this is not just for women. I know a guy who, at age 35, started dragging himself through a PhD program that he absolutely hated, and is now in a job he loathes, because his dad told him he "had" to do this. Adults don't let their parents dictate their careers. Adults make their own CHOICES.

I CHOOSE this. I don't CHOOSE that.

Imagine: No more of "Reluctantly . . . against my judgement . . " or "It just happened, I don't know how" or "I was pressured" "My parents told me I had to" or "I didn't want to but I gave in anyway . . "

Amazing.

30 is a perfect age to start practicing this.

LW Dump the guy—obviously he's just not into you. Let him go play with who he wants to play with. Start living a life you choose for yourself.

—SVS-NS

PS: I'm not bothered by Cary's extended metaphor . . . it's an intentionally shocking way of illustrating that these raw human emotions (jealously, fear, rage) are not to be ignored. We like to believe they don't exist any more, but they are all too REAL, and we all see, each and every day, all around us, the psychological (and sometimes, tragically, the physical) carnage that happens when we try to pretend otherwise.

It's NOT a justification for violence, just a way to get you to start paying attention to what you really FEEL. It's a way of demanding "Wait! Are you just pretending to be blasé about this whole situation, or are you really feeling something more? What are YOU really FEELING?"

The LW is 30 years old, not 15.

The guy sounds less like an abusive type and more like someone who has been very up front that this is all just playtime, not something serious.

He would be right to believe that the LW ALSO sees the "relationship" this way as well. She accepts his "aloofness", she accepts his level of "caring" and she has agreed to move in without any kind of commitment for the future.

He just doesn't sound like much of a boyfriend, and this does not sound like much of a relationship. It sounds more like "hanging out" to me. The boyfriend certainly hasn't given any indication to the LW that he is in this for anything more.

Meanwhile, the LW seems to have trouble admitting her true feelings and determining her own limits. She feels that she doesn't want to accept this situation, but she asks for advice to find out if her feelings are unreasonable. Maybe she feels she needs to play along with Mr. No- Strings-Attached so that she is seen as cool, modern, hip . . . but this is not how she really wants to live. Maybe she is confusing yearning, angst, and "sacrifice" with love.

All the people who have responded here seem to understand that the only solution to this is for the LW to stop pretending that this "relationship" can be magically turned into something it is not. That can be said in a blunt way, or a sweet sugary way, but the truth of the matter is unchanged.

If she does not like this relationship, she has to decide for herself what she will accept.

I don't think she is a "victim" of anything and I don't think anyone here is blaming her for the fact the guy won't commit to her.

Everyone here is, in fact, rooting for her to grow a backbone and start taking control of her own destiny, because that would be a WONDERFUL thing.

We just get tired of seeing these girls mysteriously "finding themselves" —OOPS! NO FAULT OF MY OWN! TEE HEE HEE!—in these hopeless situations again and again and again and again . . . . .