And I think that Cary handled it with aplomb.

Really, we are all aware that welfare is not much of a safety net in most countries, and that it wouldn't take more than a streak of bad luck for most of us to end up in a really bad situation.

That said, I think the letter writer is simply unsure how to address this difficult subject with a child too young to really understand the situation. I can just picture the poor little fellow acting all "like a pious child from 19th century literature" — this description made me laugh because it is all too true, and I have seen it in other kids that age and it's not always entirely un-self-conscious. Kids get so many messages from the adult world, not all of them complete or consistent.

The letter writer has not said he wants to quash the child's innocence or generosity, quite the opposite. But he has come to his own conclusions about giving to panhandlers, and set his own limits as to what he will and will not support, and wants the child to start gaining at least a basic understanding that not everything in the world is what it seems.

Yes, there are some people who need help—an unending supply of them. But there are also scam artists and dangerous people who want to harm the innocent—too many of them as well. An adult understands this dilemma, and can make on-the-spot decisions as the circumstances dictate, while a young child only knows the simple "good and bad" morals from their storybooks: ie/ "That person is poor and my spare penny will help them."

Remember, a person who chooses not to give money to panhandlers is not necessarily "mean" just as a person who does not give to every charity that phones their house is not "mean" — they may have very good reasons for not giving a particular person or group money that they believe would be better spent in other ways. We understand that we have to be careful in our generosity.

Ultimately, it is no one else's business. Many, many people are very quiet (anonymous even) about their giving and you have no way of knowing what other groups and causes they may generously support. And besides, many people (myself included) believe that the donations that "count" the most are the ones nobody knows about.

I can't add much to Cary's advice today—I think he explains the best way to begin tackling this painful problem. I hope that you and your husband are good allies in all things, and that you will be able to work together, with a good advisor, to re-build a financial foundation for yourselves.

What I would like to say here is that over the past year or so, I have made organizing my personal finances (spending, saving, credit card debt, etc.) made number one priority. Obession, actually. Why? Because for the first 20 years of my working/student/working/student career my finances and personal debt management skills have been absolutely atrocious. A total embarrassment.

I don't know anything about stocks or investments (total ignorance, but I'm now starting to learn) but I know how terrifying it can be to see those bills or credit card statements lying there . . . ominously . . . and knowing that they don't go away until I deal with them.

So I started to deal with it baby-step by baby-step. I started reading good introductory books like "The Weathy Barber" "Smart Women Finish Rich" "Dept is Slavery" and the everything by Suze Orman. All have good advice for the most part, especially for someone like me who needed serious help with ALL the basics.

The book that has helped me the MOST, however, is "Your Money or Your Life" (by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin) — which matches my personal beliefs in simplicity. It's not for everyone, and it takes a number of months to start to "get" their program, which is highly detailed, but I have found it to be very insightful. It's not easy and but it is worth it once you get into the swing of it.

The goal is to track not only your spending and saving, but also the "life hours" you have to exchange for any money you earn. THIS, more than my own bad habits, was the REAL shock. Let's just say it's more than 40 hours per week for that little ol' paycheck.

The only caveat I would note about it (and which I was sceptical about last year BUT FULLY APPRECIATE NOW is that, unlike to other books I just mentioned, this book does not recommend the stock market AT ALL—their approach is low-expense, debt-free living (scrimping and saving) with an emphasis on bonds and other absoultely risk-free "investing."

So, I don't know if that kind of philosophical approach will help with your immediate situation, but you might find that it gives you a different perspective on what everyone is going through right now.

Be honest, be courageous, and be there for each other.

Best wishes to you and your husband.