Letters to the Editor
loopychick
Published Letters: 40 Editor's Choice: 11
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Nothing wrong with being angry ...
[Read the article: I'm perpetuating the cycle of emotional abuse]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, first of all congratulations on recognizing something this important about yourself, and your family, this early on your young life. Some people go through their entire lives without getting inside their own heads to the extent you already have. That fact all by itself indictes to me that you're smart and already on your way to breaking this particular cycle.
You have clearly been affected by emotional and physical abuse, but you have recognized this. We all have issues with our parent(s) but judging just from the experiences of my circle of friends a lot of those issues can have lasting effects on us well into adulthood. I know people that were well into their 30s and 40s before the ball dropped, and I know some people who remain in denial. Your realization is the first and most important step in changing your behaviour.
I'm no psychologist but I can't stress enough the benefits of seeing a good one - one who has experience with your particular situation - and unlearning what your parent(s) taught you. The anger you feel is a normal and valid emotion, and no surprise given your background. You can't suppress the anger - it'd be like capping a volcano - but you need to learn how to express anger in a way that doesn't land you in jail, doesn't wreck the furniture, and doesn't damage the good relationships in your life. A good psychologist can help you with this, and I suggest that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might be the way to go.
As for the parents - CBT should be able to give you the skills to deal with them. There may be a way to keep contact with your mother, but limit contact with your father, and it may take a while to work out the limits that work for you. No question this is harder with parents than with anyone else. Instead of "distancing" try to think of it as "setting limits". As for letting go of the things they have said and done to you - that's something your psychologist can help with. In the end you can't make your parents change, although it might help to consider what happened when they were young that affected the way they behave? That whole cycle of abuse can go back generations.
If you appear timid to others there could be a couple of reasons for it. You may be unconsciously trying to avoid confrontation, as with your father, and you may also be worried about your temper erupting. Maybe your not so much "timid" as deliberately reining in your emotions. Either way its not surprising that you feel out of balance in this area of your life - you've been taught one thing for years and now you're beginning to realize that you were taught wrong. No wonder you don't know how to react.
Believe this: you can change. You've already taken that first big step. Will it be easy? Not necessarily. But its clear from your letter that you're the sort of intelligent and self-aware person that could take this situation and run with it.
I wish you the very best!
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Who says you have to get married?
[Read the article: I like him but he's weird about money]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Honestly, I don't see any way this relationship can work if the LW and her boyfriend combine households. Both of them have completely different ideas about how to live their lives. That's not something they can work through - he'll criticize every purchase she makes, and she'll end up either living in his filth or, even worse, constantly trying to clean it up..
Here's my question for the LW - why get married? Share the parts of each other's lives that you both enjoy - the company, the sex, and whatever else. Just live separately.