Letters to the Editor
loopychick
Published Letters: 40 Editor's Choice: 11
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Biology is destiny. Well, not always...
[Read the article: I want a baby so badly it scares me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, as you can see this is a topic that people feel strongly about!
The urge to reproduce is completely natural and can apparently be overwhelming. After all, its the reason we're all here - to propogate. So you have all this genetic, hormonal pressure to reproduce (quite apart from any societal pressure you may or may not be experiencing).
Having said that not all women get that feeling. I never had the urge to have kids - not as a teenager, not while dating, not even a flicker. So I guess I'm lucky in a way, but I can't pretend to know what you're going through. I was so sure that at the age of 35 I went and had it permanently taken care of (TMI maybe? FYI at 35 you're technically considered "obstetrically old" and that's when the incidence of Down Syndrome etc goes up. That doesn't mean you can't have kids into your early 40s - it just means it may be more difficult and risk of problems increases). Anyway, I broke up with several perfectly good guys over the years because they wanted kids and I didn't.
I have a circle of friends - some married, some single, all now in our late 30s and 40s - who always were completely uninterested in having children. None of us would consider ourselves "swinging singles" either, and lately 2 glasses of wine and in bed by 11:00 p.m. seems about right. Like growlygirl we just like our time to be our own. We like the freedom to do other stuff. I also have friends who had kids and for the most part they don't regret it, although if one or two were being completely honest they'd want to turn that clock back. They value babysitting services more highly than gold, though, and often drop by my tidy, peaceful condo "just to breathe for a while" as one says.
I do know though that a lot of women (heck, and guys too) never look beyond wanting to have a child. They look on the bright side. They assume that all will go well - the baby will be healthy, they'll always have a job, their husband will never leave them - but many don't consider the financial and emotional costs, the possible need for both parents to work full time, childcare availability/quality/price, what happens if one parent dies/leaves/knocks the other one around. I've seen a lot of women end up with one, two, three children, working their asses off 24/7 while trying to scrape the rent and grocery money together.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: Do what's right for you. Hope that everything will turn out beautifully. BUT plan, save, prepare and educate yourself as much as possible in advance just in case it doesn't. Because honestly, you never know what life is going to throw at you tomorrow.
And now I think I'll put my feet up and have a large rum and coke. And read Vanity Fair. In restful silence. Just saying : D
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Are social skills natural?
[Read the article: I'm a college student with no natural social skills]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, I finished your first paragraph and thought "introvert"! As a Distinctly Expressed Introvert please allow me to welcome you to our club.
Cary's reply is right on. Take heart - social skills are not everyone's strong point - and you will get better! Watch and learn from other people and as time goes on your confidence and social skills will improve.
It is a little weird being an introvert in an extroverted society. We're the ones sitting quietly against the wall listening to everything everyone else says. Social skills aren't natural to everyone - sometimes you have to work to develop it - just like some people aren't "naturally" organized.
Some years ago I was on a work-related course and the entire class of 30 took the Meyers-Briggs questionnaire. After the results were checked the instructor told everyone who scored as introverted to go to the left side of the room, and everyone who scored as extroverted to go to the right side. The 24 extroverts immediately gathered in a clump and started talking. We 6 introverts all went to the other side of the room, backs to the wall, folded our arms and stayed quiet. Then there was a moment where the 6 of us looked at each other and went, "Hey! Kindred spirits!" It was like a little light went on!
Anyway, after that I found that some research into the personality "types" really helped. The Meyers-Briggs, as Cary mentioned, and the Keirsey Temperament Sorter, which is similar, may help you better understand and appreciate your own personality. I actually keep a description of my personality type (INTJ - Introvert, INtuitive, Thinking, Judging) on my desk - it reminds me of all the strengths inherent in my type and reminds me there are people out there who feel the same way. (Of course because we're introverts we're probably not talking about it a lot.) You'll be OK! Trust!