Dear California Dreaming,

I had an extremely similar experience not so many years ago when I was in college, although the geography was reversed; I went to the top math and science school in the country (which, for the record, is NOT the one in Beantown...), in Southern Cal. I was completely committed to studying physics and making a career in science. And on my very first day there, I stumbled into the shower and cried while the water ran because I knew I had made a terrible, terrible mistake.

I had friends there, but it was not enough. I transferred, and shortly after I started at my shiny new school on the East Coast, I took a semester off. Both were really healthy for me, but if I could've done anything different, I would've taken a whole year off.

When I got back to school, though, at my elite East Coast institution, everything wasn't just alright, because I discovered that physics, and science in general, wasn't what I wanted to do after all. It was the first day of spring semester during my junior year when I realized this; I came into another physics class, sat down, and all I could think was: There are so many other classes I'd rather be taking right now. Transitioning away from physics was harder for me than transferring schools, because it wasn't just some passing aspiration; I'd defined myself by my interest in the field since I was a freshman in high school and read Richard Feynman for fun.

But I switched majors, switched minors, and got involved with theater (which I'd done in high school as well) -- and my senior year of college, finally, ended up being really great, even if I had to shed so much of who I thought I was to get there. You alone know what makes you happy, but it sounds from your letter that perhaps it could be worthwhile to re-evaluate the place of writing -- journalism, editing, creative writing, whatever -- in your life. Maybe there's something else out there that lights your fire, something that involves writing in a whole different way; who knows.

I caught a lot of flak when I transferred, and still more when I switched my major. People will tell you all kinds of things; they will tell you to tough it out, they will tell you that you can't make up your mind, they will tell you that it's just freshman issues that everyone has. And while it's true that the vast, vast majority of college freshman have adjustment issues, some are more serious than others. There's no shame in transferring, nor in taking time off, nor in reconsidering your options in whatever manner you may choose -- that's the mark of a reflective and aware individual, not a flip-flopper. I have a cousin who also transferred (from West Point) and took time off; I have another cousin who was a Harvard boy, hated his freshman year, took a year off, came back, and loved his remaining three years.

There are plenty of options for you, and you will have to look deep into yourself and decide which is right for you. A therapist can be helpful in this. But no matter what anybody says, "toughing it out", not changing anything about your behavior and your surroundings, will not solve anything. Maybe it's as simple as finding an extracurricular that you love (I wish I'd found theater so much sooner); maybe some time off will resolve it all, and you can return to Harvard an assured and happy individual; maybe transferring is the best option. For me, transferring was absolutely the right decision -- it certainly didn't solve everything, but as you were aware enough to note, depression is easier to deal with when you're closer to family, friends, and familiar surroundings, which transferring brought to me.

I wish you the very best of luck in your decision-making. It's not easy, but it will get easier at some eventual point. My one piece of concrete advice, besides trying to make you feel less alone in your experiences, is to try to get out of your head a little bit. For me, the weight of the decisions I was making became occasionally overwhelming; to get outside and go for a run, to volunteer somewhere, or to combine both physical exertion and service with something like Habitat for Humanity helped to clear my head in the moments when I felt most overwhelmed. Stop and smell the roses every now and then, and remember that as tough as these decisions are, and as miserable as you may be, you are still young and talented and you will get through this.

Good luck!

...never found amongst Salon's letters to the editor:

1. Consensus, and

2. Humor.

(And the thing of it is, it don't matter which gender is doin' the writin'...)

As the previous letter pointed out, the novel is perhaps at its most ridiculous in suggesting that a 30-year marriage could dissolve and leave the woman with nothing; California divorce law mandates a 50/50 split after 10 years of marriage, regardless of who earned the income. That's why so many celebrities married in CA a) divorce prior to the 10-year anniversary and b) have lengthy prenups. The law was that way in the late 90s, so unless the author explains her way around this in the novel, it sounds like a rather large sticking point in the plot.