I'm not Instant Chemistry guy, I'm the one you marry.

Generally, me and my friends tend to be personally conservative. Not politically conservative per se, but we're not the guys going to the bars every night drinking. We tend to have demanding jobs, outside hobbies, we're involved in charities and activities where we're helping others and not focusing on ourselves. And many of us are either body-conscious or just getting older, and can't stomach (literally) repeated bouts with the bottle.

So you probably aren't going to meet us in a bar. I could happen, but probably not.

And since we're not party guys, we're not really into party girls. Some of them can be really beautiful, and really nice people, but we can tell who they are and pretty much understand that they're generally not the girls you settle down with.

Where do we meet the good girls? Pretty much anywhere except bars.

"Marriage guys" come in all shapes, sizes and colors. We're all very different than each other, and we generally believe that "marriage women" come in all shapes and sizes too.

The one dead give-away that a women ISN'T what we're looking for is that a girl is getting wasted at a bar and chatting up the party boys.

If you're saying you're outgrowing that, and you want to move away from the party boys and find marriage-oriented guys, then understand that, first of all, these are two different subsets of dudes, and two, marriageable guys are NOT socially-awkward losers like some of the previous posters have been saying/insinuating.

We may be quieter, more thoughtful, less "out there," and so on, but that's because we have jobs, responsibilities, empathy and are generally interested in things besides how we look, how popular we are, and how everyone else perceives us. Lots of those party boys come off as insecure that way.

So, I don't know where to tell you to find a guy like that, but you can bet where you know you WON'T.

I just re-read your letter, and you DIDN'T meet your would-be b/f at a bar, you met at a friend's BBQ.

Anyways, my advice is the same. I don't think you're a bad person because you did what you did or you want what you want, OR that the dude who slept with you didn't call you back... but if you really want to settle down, it's time to move away from the party crowd and start developing outside interests that don't revolve around alcohol.

Forgive me if you are cultivating that side of yourself, but there's no mention of that in your letter, and what you do allude to points to a social life where drinking and bars figure prominently. Get thee a hobby!

LW, listen to an old boy.

When you go out and get drunk with exciting guys, you write about these feelings you get. This is the high of sexual chemistry we all get, but then you make the leap lots of young women (yes, you're young) make and sort of equate that feeling with matrimony potential.

Listen; marriage isn't like that. It's hard work, and often it's painful. The titillation doesn't last long into the relationship, and rarely past the honeymoon (if you're lucky).

So lots of misguided women feel that they have to sustain the same feelings they had in the initial stages of courtship during the marriage, and when they inevitably can't, they fear 'the spark has gone out.'

Think of these party boy trysts as the 'high flame.' Well, that flame always burns out fast, and it can NEVER EVER sustain a good, stable marriage. Good marriage partners live and breathe the 'low boil.' We love, we work together, but we often have to FIGHT just to stay connected, to remind ourselves of our mates' good points, and how much we love them. Does that sound super sexy to you? Marriage isn't kissing drunk on the dance floor.

So if you want a happy marriage, focus on both being the kind of woman who has those kinds of priorities and mindsets in place, and find a suitable 'low boil' man who is both sexually attractive to you but exemplifies traits NECESSARY for a marriage to work; honesty, trust, and the ability to compromise.

Party boys, by and large, don't pack those goods.