I can't really offer advice on how to get past distractions, since I'm usually sucked into them myself.

But to address another issue: Taking time to write does not make you a bad mother. Taking time for yourself does not make you a bad mother. You love your kids; you seem to take excellent care of them. Taking a few hours during the week to write will not change this. Frankly, it sets a good example for your kids, especially if you have a daughter.

Because you're not just a mom and a wife and a homemaker. Those are all good things to be, don't get me wrong, but it's not all of who you are. And not only is it important for you to nourish those other things that you are, or want to be, but it's important for your kids to see it, too.

Your kids, if they decide to have families of their own, will have your example of not being a "dishrag," of not being a "doormat." They'll have learned both how to love and care for their own kids, but also how to care for themselves. (I mean, how much loving and caring can you do if you feel wrung out and like a doormat and resentful of your obligations? Self-care lets you recharge, sort of filling up your reservoirs so you can give more love and care.)

And even before your kids have children, even if they decide never to have children, they'll learn from you how to act on the things that matter to them. And in a way I can't explain, it is important to for your kids to learn to see others as complete people, as opposed to just seeing others only as how they relate to them. Bah, I'm explaining it badly.

Or to make this short, my mom was a semi-professional soprano soloist. She didn't stop taking gigs when she had kids; she even spent a few Julys abroad with the Robert Shaw Festival Singers. Because she was also a good mom, we kids always knew she loved us, and always felt secure. And I know that Mom benefited greatly from continuing to do something she loved. I can't imagine the parent she would have been had she given it up--less patient and resentful, I guess.

So breathe. Take the non-distraction advice from others. Send your kids on a play date or to the sitter's. Luxuriate in doing something for yourself. Write.

LW, if I weren't at work, I might cry along with you.

I also think that it's only natural to grieve. You've finally arrived at a place where you and your daughter are safe. It's only natural to grieve for the might-have-beens, for the hell that you went through, for the dreams that got lost along the way, for all of the intangible and dear things that we must give up as we paint ourselves into corners, for ourselves, even, as we see through the eyes of experience the pain that we might have avoided, if only we'd known better.

It's trite, perhaps, but all life is the narrowing of choices, the elimination of various paths. Even with our first breath, our choices are limited or different because we were born to this set of parents instead of that one. Our curse is perhaps that we see the roads narrowing in around us, and we can imagine the paths not taken. Inevitably, I think, we mourn the lives that we did not lead.

"And I knew then / that I would have to live, and go on / living: what a sorrow it was; and still/ what sorrow burns / but does not destroy my heart" -Jane Kenyon

I was yelling and throwing popcorn at the TV when McCain used air quotes around women's health during the abortion discussion. I didn't think that I could get any angrier at that lying idiot presuming that a bunch of legislators knew better than my doctor and I what's best for my health.

And then, he spoke about his asinine "Troops to Teachers" program, casually and contemptuously dismissing the classes and certifications that teachers must undergo to be able to teach. I was speechless.

Seriously, does McCain think that teaching is so easy that anyone can do it with just a high school education and a couple of tours in a tank in Iraq? Without any training as to how to teach effectively, what the laws are, about what kids in various age groups can handle (childhood development)? Either he's completely oblivious to the realities of teaching, or McCain holds the entire profession in contempt.

My family is full of educators--my (deceased) grandmother, my aunt, my dad, my mom, several cousins, two of my brothers-in-law, and my sister. I'm pretty sure that after that slam, none of them will be voting for McCain.