In most families that I know, the kids are effortlessly put first. This is the natural order of family life -- kids take an enormous amount of time and energy and biological parents just naturally put their children front and center. The marriage relationship is often superseded by the needs of the kids while they are young.

And then the bio-parents have time to reconnect, and discover that the years of neglecting their marriage have basically destroyed it, and then they divorce. Okay, not all the time. However, in order for the marriage, and thus the nuclear family, to survive, the marriage cannot be neglected in favor of a completely child-centric household, one where the adults don't have time to relate to each other as adults. (If this is not what you're advocating, then I apologize for misreading you.)

From what I've been reading, the trouble seems to be that in the marriage between the bio-parents, taking care of the marriage is seen as taking care of the family. In the marriage between bio and step parents, taking care of the marriage is seen as detracting from the family.

(Which isn't to say that there aren't bad stepparents out there who just want the stepkids out of the house, or that there aren't decent stepparents who underestimate how much attention from their bio-parent the stepkids will need while everyone adjusts. Just that people who are married to each other have an obligation to that marriage, as well as their obligation to any kids involved.)

Unfortunately, LW, I don't think that there's much that you *can* do. Teens aren't four-year-olds; you can't physically control them the same way; you can't distract them and confuse them the same way. And frankly, you shouldn't expect to have the same level of control over a sixteen-year-old as over four-year-old.

The bigger problem, IMO, is that it sounds like the relationship between your daughter and you and your spouse is broken. You yell and overreact--seriously, you don't think that locking her out of her own house is an overreaction?!--and she pushes back and rebels and it all goes into a really bad cycle.

I'd strongly suggest family counseling for all of you. Teens will pretty much always do what they want. The trick is to have done the work beforehand so that what they want will be reasonably in line with what you'd want. The bigger trick is to have a good enough relationship so that she trusts you enough to be guided by you. (Hint: screaming and yelling is not guidance.) Oh, and you will definitely want to get her in to see a physician to get tested for STD's, get info on safe sex practices, and to get on birth control.

And even "good" teens have their moments. I was about as goody-two-shoes as you could get in high school--honor roll, job, choir, went to church--and I still snuck out of the house on weekends to go out drinking.

I'm quietly snickering at the number of people who are apparently convinced that they absolutely know where their teen is every minute, and that they would absolutely know if their teen brought someone else into the house.

Unless you have an unusually obedient teen (there's an oxymoron!) or an unusually open relationship with your teen, chances are you don't. My sis and I were good kids--good grades, jobs, extra curricular activities--and yep, when we weren't working, we were "in bed" at midnight. And half the time on the weekend, we were up at one and sneaking out of the house. Our parents never suspected. We could occasionally sneak people into the house, but having a protective dog did cut into that. (And from my non-sex-having teenage perspective, what was the point of sneaking someone in and then have to be quiet when you could more easily sneak out and be noisy?)

I also don't get the conflation of having sex with getting complete blitzed or doing illegal drugs. Actually, I don't get the huge thing we Americans have about this mystical, magical thing that happens when a person turns of age (18 for sex, 21 for alcohol) that mysteriously makes them responsible and capable of handling themselves and makes sex and drinking a-okay, even though just a year ago those same activities would be Bad! Evil! A sign of irresponsible behavior that's going to doom the person to a terrible life!

Anyway, IMO, if you've taught your kids your values consistently (and modeled them consistently), if you've taught them to think critically, if you've taught them responsibility, by the time they're teenagers they'll most likely pull through it and turn into reasonable adults. If you've neglected those things throughout their childhoods--relying on blind obedience instead--then you're kinda screwed, and you've screwed your kids by not giving them the tools they need to survive.