a letter to Cary Tennis accompanied with the headline "I'm so damned judgemental!" will invite numerous scathing replies. But I'm guessing both Cary and the self-described sensible Judgy are sensible enough to realize this.

Well, although I don't want to be scathing and want to try to be constructive, I don't think excess sympathy is JJ's problem at all, but a conflicted realization that--

1.yes, you've made, generally speaking, better decisions than these people, but

2.you are jealous of them.

They are so carefree! You think this to yourself. Who wouldn't want to just buy all sorts of superficially interesting junk, or a fancier car than you need, or just impulsively fly up to Toronto for the weekend with a cute young girlfriend when he's "on a business trip," or put five grand on number 7 at the baccarat table at Monaco (via a substantially more expensive plane trip casually put on the plastic?)

Or even more modestly, just eat out all the time and get fat at the Chinese buffet like a greedy pig.

Meanwhile, perhaps you go macrobiotic and only eat whole wheat pasta and always read the label first. As far as the car goes, one, who needs 300 horsepower(you'll get there anyway, and save a bundle on insurance and tickets), and two, won't a convertible mean you'll get there with your hair messed up(and you'll make a poor impression)?

I suspect it's complicated. I happen to agree that nobody needs an overpowered high-performance car, especially those who can't afford it, and I definitely wouldn't recommend a girlfriend on the fly to a married person.

And, I DON'T want to suggest you suddenly start engaging in self-destructive behavior, and I hestitate to offer the cliche about how you should just "loosen up a little"(others undoubtedly will) because I strongly suspect that inside your tightly-coiled existence is a vulnerable person who recognizes

a potential compulsive within who might also live his life to uncontrolled excess if the right set of circumstances provided themselves. And, just as you fear the judgment of others, you also fear you'd have a hard time finding a balance if you let go. And your judgment of yourself.

Your letter makes me think of the episode of The Simpsons in which Marge became a gambling addict. I'm not trying to make fun, because I think that there's a lot of instinctive truth in that episode.

I don't know what to tell you-- it's ALSO a cliche to suggest that your recognizing your compassion deficit is the first step towards addressing it, and probably not very helpful as practical advise.

But I do think if you are in fact jealous of others whom you see as carefree as I'm suggesting, reflecting on it might be helpful.

I also wonder if you could possibly acquire a deliberate vice, one that you could do regularly without going overboard and becoming the out-of-control person whom you fear lurks within.

Is there something you'd like to do that you've never done, but which you think might make you look foolish if other people knew?* (Another thing you're jealous of is how they are(at least in your eyes, they're more resilient than you, and not crushed by humiliation or guilt as you think you'd be in their shoes.)

Bungee-jumping and performing at a karoke bar come to mind. Maybe a rich desert, say once or twice a month, at a fancy restaurant. Ok, ok, a semi-fancy restaurant.

Apart from the bungee-jumping, these are pretty safe and undramatic things that might let you get in touch with your inner Dionysian self without going overboard.

Earlier I was speaking of cars. Is there a drag-strip in your area? Many drag-strips allow ordinary people with regular automobiles to compete, usually on Friday nights. (Yes, you can rent a helmet and fire-suit.)If this appeals to you but you want the practical side of you to hold on to the reins, check with the National Hot Rod Association first to see if they're an affiliate, which would mean that they have to maintain certain safety standards, etc. (www.nhra.org)

And if you have a decidedly non-dragsterish low-performance car and the regulars snicker, screw 'em. Show up in a Geo or a Prius, for all they care. You're not there to win, just participate. But unlike the karoke or dessert, I imagine this would not be a regular trip.

Maybe none of these appeal to you. That's ok. The point is to jog your imagination, to ask yourself if there's something YOU'D like to do, within limits, that you've never permitted yourself because then you'd be like "them."

(*nothing illegal or job threatening!)

what do you think?

silly me.

but the drag-strip part still applies if it appeals to you.

another commenter wrote:

LW could use a bitch-slap herself

You do a lot of tough talking about bitch-slapping and face-punching. You do realize that you'd be called out on it if you were a man griping about his wife, right? That the harpies who infest this forum would descend upon you and rend you limb from limb for wanting your wife to do the laundry? Demeaning! Sexist! Violent chauvinist!

while I agree that it's likely that a lot of Salonist commenters would dump on the LW for saying such things if the roles were reversed, the only "bitch-slap" I see is in the title of the column, and not in the letter itself. Is this a copy writing embellishment added to the title to encourage people to click, or is it in fact drawn from a longer version of the letter which was culled when the letter was subsequently edited for brevity? Because at this point it doesn't look like the LW said anything about "bitch-slapping" anybody.

I ask as someone who, admittedly, has foolishly jumped to conclusions before and rattled off a comment without sufficiently parsing what was actually written.

Elucidate, sil vous plais.