I agree with Cary that one's presence as a guest should be as light and as unintrusive as possible. And I also agree that personal responsibility and mature self sufficiency are at stake here. The boyfriend is looking pretty weak by not sucking it up and rising to the occasion.

So I ask: What if the host had been a poor person who had opened his house to his guests and a theft had a occurred? I suspect the class pendulum would have swung in an opposite way--the boyfriend would have spared his poor host the embarrassment.

Also, what if the boyfriend was hosting the father (or the host in Africa) in his apartment and a theft was made? What then? How would he want his guests to behave? Would he feel obligated to replace $1000? A Rolex watch? A stolen car?

The answer seems clear.

They could have been in a hotel every year instead of talking (talking!) over coffee. She's had friends join them for dinner. Where is it hot and heavy? So she may have some lust and dreaminess in her imagination--and maybe he does, too. Good! They're ALIVE!

Seven years is a long comfortable friendship. Why is it that this obviously beautiful thing--2 people connecting in an emotional and intellectual way--is morally objectionable? Just because of the male/female thing. Because one is married?

C'mon people. The secrecy exists because of the fingerwagging, shrill judgmentalism that's all over this board. It's not "socially" acceptable and the guy knows this. He doesn't want to tell his wife because he's afraid he'll lose/give up something valuable. And he will. Why does his wife have to know? There are worse things these two people can be engaged in in this world--but reaching out to someone to connect with is not one of them.

Infidelity? There is no infidelity here. Seven years of TALKING is not cheating. Why must one expose every inch of one's inner self to one's spouse? Why must we buy into the illusion that one's spouse can fulfill all that one needs emotionally and intellectually? Most women have intense emotional friendships with other women and it's not deemed cheating.

I say proceed with caution. CAUTION. But proceed. It's probably not a good idea to see each other on a regular basis. And if it can be managed, bringing the friendship out in the open in a casual way is the best idea. ("Confessing" to the wife is idiotic and will certainly damage the marriage.)

But just throwing away a sweet seven-year friendship--now that's morally objectionable.

Well put, Wordnerd, well put...

My husband and I "found" each other in college. Yeah, he was "the one" and I broke up with him numerous times because it was TOO SOON. I wanted to live, be independent, taste more of life.

SO live, be independent, taste more of life. Make mistakes--in and out of bed. Take some risks.

He and I eventually moved in together (which I recommend to all considering marriage) and we married when we were close to 30. We now have 2 children, we have our independent careers, we have a good, good life and a marriage that is better than I thought any marriage (to anyone) could ever be.

Had we stuck to each other like proverbial glue during college and a bit beyond--we'd be itching for more in our marriage. That's how it works when it comes too soon--by forty you're itching for something else, wondering what you missed.

SO live, be independent, taste more of life. Make mistakes--in and out of bed. Take some risks. YOU'RE ONLY 23, embrace your youth--don't try to fight it.

1. Live together. Buy stuff together. Live day-to-day together through laundry, dirty dishes, annoying bathroom sink habits. Do it for several years. Wear the pretty engagement ring, but taste marriage without paying for it.

2. Graduate and get a real job. Go to it everyday. Get sick of it and get a better job. Find out what you want to do with your life outside of him and the children you want to produce with him. This is important. This is feminism in action: you have the responsibility to make sure you can financially take care of yourself and your children in the event you find yourself alone. Ignore this and all your relationship issues will have economic factors as subtext. Ignore this and you will not feel free to stay in or leave your marriage.

3. Take the time to travel abroad without him--with a girlfriend. See the world through your own eyes--not shared eyes. You'll be seeing the world together (hopefully) for a long time after marrying. Seize this time in your early 20s to develop your own perspective.

4. Wait to have children. And make sure you have most of your financial stuff in place before you do. Nothing takes the joy out of marriage AND parenthood than a paycheck-to-paycheck existance. From what I've seen, he won't make you crack up anymore when the checks are bouncing and you can only afford one car. Not romantic, huh? But marriage is not romantic. It's one way of organizing one's life. Having babies is a joy, but it's your responsibility to organize their lives, too. Making sure you have the financial stuff in order is an insurance policy that economic hardships won't tear your relationship apart.

BTW, I'm a happily married feminist with 2 cutie-pie kids, an equal partner husband, and my own business. I took my own advice way back when I also met my husband in college. And it's working.

Life is good.