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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Carrie Ann
Published Letters: 9 Editor's Choice: 4
What about this man's loyalty to his wife? Beyond his vows to remain faithful, if he were to divulge to a woman to whom he is attracted that he is unhappy, unfulfilled, uninspired by his wife - simply to "explore" such feelings - he is really insulting and dishonoring his wife, and disregarding the privacy of their marriage. Discussing such things with a close friend just to get them off your chest is one thing; spilling all to a woman you "love" is completely different. If you are willing to tell all to another woman, but not to your wife, your loyalty is misplaced.
If, as you say, you can't imagine ever leaving your wife, then start telling yourself, "I will never be with this woman" until you actually believe it. Until you see the fruitlessness of this discussion. You need to stop socializing with this woman beyond what is necessary at work, and start spending time thinking about the woman you married.
I was in a very similar situation, as were my three (attractive, urbane, wonderful) roommates. I didn't tell the guy until after it was over, and even then I only said anything because I couldn't really deny the evidence. I sort of regret not telling him first, but the truth is that my virginity wasn't meaningful to me and I didn't really want to make an issue out of it, for the same reasons as you. My point here is to reassure you that you're not some sort of freak, and that no guy who is freaked out by your virginity is worth pursuing. There are a lot of women in their 20s who haven't had sex, and a lot of guys who are too intimidated by the pressure of being "first." Especially if they're not sure they want to pursue anything further - despite the fact that we're not necessarily interested in that either.
The Richard Linklater film is called "Slacker" (singular). That "Slackers" movie review linked at the bottom is a much shittier film.
I'm pretty sure I just lost some of my slacker cred by looking that up on IMDb.
Here are a few sample responses I've used in similar situations:
"Oh, I stopped trying to impress people with my taste in movies/books/TV/music years ago."
"Well, I spent four years at [Awesome University] working my ass off to earn the right to read/watch/listen to whatever I choose."
"You know, I used to feel really silly/insecure/embarrassed about enjoying stuff like this, but then I grew up."
"Don't you think we're all too old to still care about passing the 'cool' test? It's so exhausting."
Growing up is about becoming comfortable with who you are and what you like, and not trying so goddamn hard to be cool anymore. It's very liberating not to be vulnerable in those conversations.
By saying and believing that you aren't controlled by her opinions, you take away her power without causing a scene. She probably does this to EVERYBODY, and they will be relieved to hear you say what they've all been thinking.
So, you're 17 years old, and ready, and in a great relationship, and you have sex. And it's – whatever, it's teenage sex.
And then you tearfully break up with that somebody once you get to college. You're introduced to the "dating" culture, which primarily involves silly hookups and the occasional dinner-and-a-kegger. These don't really get you in the mood - maybe it's the guy, maybe it's the ubiquitous patchouli stink, maybe it's the jam band shit on the stereo. So you make out. You fool around. You don't have Official Capital S Sex.
After college, the random encounters are less frequent. You still don't meet anyone who simultaneously makes you laugh and turns you on. By the time you do meet one of those guys, it's been six years since you've had sex. But it's like riding a bike, right? So no big deal.
Now, just subtract the having sex part of that teenage relationship, and you've probably got the picture for a number of 20- or 30-something virgins. Not freaks, not psychos. Just not interested in the people they've met so far, and not willing to have sex when they don't feel like it. Choosing when, where and with whom to have sex is empowering. It's a right we've fought for, and it's pointless and hurtful to namecall each other for making a different decision.
God love ya, Andrew O'Hehir. You do a noble service by writing about great films that deserve more attention. But working "Please, Hammer, don't hurt him!" into the review of Haven totally made my day, and now I find myself wishing you would cover more stinkers.
"Since we've not used our teeth much in the manner since the Stone Age, it's logical to assume that evolution would reflect the canine's increasing obselesence." - Skylance
Actually, evolution doesn't just do away with things that aren't used, unless the thing in question leads to early death. Human canine teeth would only get smaller if that made people more attractive sexually, or if big canine teeth cause people to die young.
Anyway, I know your point was that the purpose of canines isn't to chew through meat. It's just a slippery slope to use "evolution" as evidence for either side of what is really a moral issue. Choosing to eat meat or choosing to eat vegetables at this stage has zero to do with cause or effect of human evolution, unless one of the two makes people more fertile or more likely to die young.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
219 Democrats and one Republican join in favor of the legislation, which passed by a narrow margin
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Salon headlines in your mailbox
