I'm not very impressed with Cary's response on this one...I can't imagine him writing 'your behavior may have contributed to their rage/emotions/whatnot' if a man were beating on a woman LW. The advice reeks of a double standard.

One: The guy said he had only been sulking for a HALF HOUR. She explodes and attacks him after half an hour?

The only people who INSIST that you talk, regardless of your feelings, when THEY want to talk are often those who have some kind of infantile need for constant reassurance about themselves. They have so much anxiety about abandonment or control that they try to force you to 'reassure' them by discussing it even when you're not ready to. They cannot bear the uncertainty, in other words.

It's rather childish to sulk deliberately. I don't sulk - what I do is avoid talking when I'm upset past a certain point - because if I try to discuss something before I am calm enough, I will probably say something I don't want to say...and hurt them needlessly. Anyone who can't allow the other person time to settle down, gain perspective, etc. is too immature to be in a relationship.

I don't mean weeks, or days on end - but sometimes it does take several hours, or overnight to reach a point where you can discuss something productively and calmly. I've had a few boyfriends who were so insecure that they tried to force me into a discussion like that immediately - and I ended up dumping them because they evidenced no respect for MY need for time to cool off because of their infantile need for instant resolution.

Attacking someone simply because they won't talk to you, or won't discuss an argument exactly when YOU want to do so is a sign of an unbalanced person.

Putting up with it is also questionable.

There are actually several big problems here.

1. not a virgin - claimed to be - AND then knowingly married this guy under false pretences - she should have been honest about the affair and given him the choice of marrying a non-virgin instead of the self-serving, dishonest road she took. Sounds like she cared more about what she wanted than she cared about this guy, and about having integrity.

2. cheated on him during their early relationship PLUS it was with someone known to him...extra betrayal involved

3. has been 'lying' to husband for 12 years both by not confessing, and also by participating in mutual 'it's so wonderful that we are the only ones to biblically know each other' stuff - he'll be quite upset about that, and understandably so.

No, I'm not going to call anyone a neanderthal. If both people value virginity in each other for whatever reason, that's their business. I may not agree with it, but so what?

The Born Again guy is seriously

misguided. For this I DO blame fundamentalist religion, of course.

However, it may be good in that it forces her to resolve this issue.

What amazes me is the LW still seems to care more about herself than anything else. She is upset about being found out; not about the fact that she cheated on this guy, then married him under "false pretences",

then further betrayed

him by dishonestly playing the

wonder of virginity duet 12 years.

LW, I would suggest that you "go fuck yourself" right back,

but you have already done a royal job of it without my help.

Brooks' twaddle about the "greater power", shaping your children, is

really talking about one thing - base perpetuation of the species and continuing your line.

Sure, you are helping to ensure that they become healthy, happy adults -

but many animals create and rear successful offspring - so what?

Do we sit around and write odes about

how fabulous sows are for rearing successful pigs? No.

Rearing children can be great, but many women (and men) of intelligence and talent are not satisfied by a life of nothing but drudgery and

nurturing others - regardless of how beloved the others may be -

and who can blame them?

Large numbers of women staying home and rearing kids will take us right back to the era of women being passed over for promotion or not being hired in the first place because of the child issue.

Everything old is new again...