Letters to the Editor
pewella
Published Letters: 81 Editor's Choice: 15
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Rosalei
[Read the article: My husband beat me. Should I divorce him?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Your letter was simply outstanding. It was like you read my mind and wrote the letter I might have written, but much much better. Your insights were poignant and I hope that the LW reads them and takes them to heart.
It's so much better to be 45 with wisdom, than 25 and thinking that the power of your love is so amazing that it can turn a bad man good. Those situations always turn out the same way.
When I was in my early 20s I dated a terrible man like the LW's husband, except he was 20 years my senior. A miserable self-absorb nihilistic suicidal violence prone super achiever monster. He could have ruined my life, but I snapped out of my spell and got away. I was left a hollow shell, but I filled myself up again after a couple of years. I hate that prick of misery so much still, even 10 years later.
To the LW - sweetie, I know it's so confusing. You want what's best for him, and everyone, but at what cost? Is your life invaluable or worthless? That's the horrible thing about when someone you love hits you. You still love them, and making them be held accountable would cause them pain. There would be lots of bad consequences: divorce, disappointment from the extended family, criminal consequences. The spiral of pain and bad feelings seems to expand out further than you can reach. But, when violence happens, we say to ourselves "I can take this. If I just absorb the pain, and forget about it, all of this badness can go away". But it won't. Unless he goes to therapy, and you separate for a long time, he'll hit you again as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow. Maybe it won't happen tomorrow, but it'll happen again. Probably if you get pregnant. He'll beat the crap out of you when you're 20 weeks. Or maybe he'll even kill you. And if you think you feel trapped now, just wait until there is a child in the picture. He'll be impossibly difficult to leave. He'll stalk you, he'll hurt the children, he'll use them as leverage. And then there will be another person who suffers.
Please divorce him. Never let him get you pregnant. Move to another city and start over. This is your only life, you cannot fix this man, your future is bleak if you stay. Leave leave leave leave leave leave leave. Get strong, get angry, and get out of there. Cut all ties, and go. Keep going and never look back. GO!
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Great Advice Posters!
[Read the article: My husband's father is crowding me out of my own house]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]What has made me cringe the most from this letter and responses is the condescending attitude adopted by a few of the posters to the LW. Some of the posters come across as intellectual snobs, classist, and food nazis. One poster derided the LW for using the word "Poo". Ok, she should have used "shit" or "crap". Got it. Another poster told her to stop buying snack food, and everything will be ok. Anonymous chided her for having been so stupid for not having an abortion after getting pregnant at a young age. Maybe she and her husband are having a hard time, but at least he married her and got a job and together they are making a go of it, trying to raise their children together. Then Anonymous signs off with the stinging "Pathetic". I'm sorry, but you three are a bunch of fucktards.
The more compassionate and understanding postings have come from those who have been, or who are, in the military. This is a family under immense pressure. If he works for the military, I bet money is a real issue, because we all know how well they get paid for risking their lives. The LW is not a stupid piece of shit, ok? She's not white trash because she gives her kids snacks. She's not a moron because she had a baby young. She's a struggling mother with a husband who is either absent or working very hard, and she is in a pickle with the FIL. So how about those of you who visit salon, who see themselves as far superior, smarter and better-fed than the dumb military wives, how about trying to have just a wee little bit of respect for the ignorant unwashed masses?