Letters to the Editor
pewella
Published Letters: 81 Editor's Choice: 15
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Money and Masculinity
[Read the article: Does less of a paycheck make him less of a man?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]What a fascinating study of how finances and gender politics intersect.
While many posters have fun calling the LW a bitch, the real bitch here is a socio-economic culture that equates manhood with income and his ability to provide for his dependents in a greater amount than his wife/partner.
When a married man loses his job, there is no role for him in society that carries much dignity. A married woman can stay home and look after children, or run the household, or do volunteer work, or go to the gym, and it is pretty much 100% ok with the rest of the world. An unemployed man, even if he is a full-time father and runs the house, invokes images of a Hey Dude kickin' back and watching daytime TV. He will get no respect, even if he does an 11 hour day running a household. No. Respect. Whatsoever.
To the LW: sometimes we don't get everything we hoped for, or think we deserve, from our partner. That is because we marry real people, and not our aspirations. Real people are subject to the whims of the economy, and become victims to it, not because of a personality flaw or a short-coming. A capitalist economy means that sometimes even the most talented and sedulous person can end up standing in line for pogey. It does not reward talent. Hard work doesn't always pay. It's not fair.
So LW, what can you do in the face of this disappointment that you are feeling?
You might want to get used to the fact that your partner's diminished income is the "new normal" and adjust your contribution ratios, or adjust your lifestyles downward.
Think about this: what is money? Money is simply a means for us to gauge our level of power and self-determination in a market economy. Isn't it? More money means less stress, more consumer power, more options. Less money, means more debt, fewer options. Money is also power in a relationship. And with power, comes increased responsibility. And sometimes we don't want that role. You make more money, and you resent the increased responsibility. The debt makes you feel powerless, as if your future choices are becoming limited. Your partner makes less, and trust me, he feels the disempowerment every day. Your anger towards him probably makes him feel very little.
My husband and I faced a prolonged period of unemployment in the early days of our relationship. He brought home $0 for eight months. Prior to this, we were only dating and had separate households, but when he lost his job I realized that this had the possibility to break us. At this point I earned so little that after rent, bills and student loans, I had $650 a month left over. We were broke. So I asked him to move in, and together we went to the bank, he used his savings to pay off my credit card bill (a small amount), we got one credit card together and opened up one account together. I feel like our relationship really started that day, and not the day we were legally married. We and ate beans and rice, cancelled cable tv and walked everywhere. It was really hard. Some days I felt resentment at the poverty, and despair that it would never get better. I really wanted to go buy a new MAC lipstick and still be able to buy apples. And then he got a job! And then I lost mine! And for a few months he happily supported me.
But one thing I knew for sure was that I never wanted to be in a situation where either of us had to ASK the other for money. You can't control a person like that. It's demeaning. It's too much power to have over your partner.
So Dear LW, try to do other things to bring more control to your world. Move the goal posts with your financial arrangements. Maybe you'll contribute 75% and he'll do 25%. Or maybe just share money. Treat him with more respect. He's not a loser just because he makes more. Look at why you feel angry. Use this as an exercise to work out power issues in your relationship. Support your partner, and maybe one day he'll be there for you if you need it. Your good job could also disappear tomorrow, couldn't it?
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How to escape the tedium
[Read the article: I've got three months to go in this job -- will I survive?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Do what my dear friend suggested when we had to go to a work dinner party with other corpses-cum-lawyers "Just drink too much and pretend that you're in a movie". We did. It was fun. In short, just change your perspective and even a crap job in suburbia can be interesting. Let your mind wander while doing those tedious tasks and write a novel in your head. Daydream about the future. Make plans. Boredom often leads to great inspiration, to fantastic life changes. So see this as an opportunity to reinvent yourself, because it's not that often that you have the pleasure of being able to intellectually disengage and to think about things other than the stresses of daily life. I'm serious, don't waste this golden moment, you won't have many more chances like this in your life.