Letters to the Editor
pewella
Published Letters: 81 Editor's Choice: 15
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Been there, done that.
[Read the article: We had a secret online affair ... and then he killed himself]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I had a similarly destructive relationship in my 20s with a man who possessed very similar negative characteristics. It was a torturous experience that I confused with true love. In reflection, I know realize that it was more an exercise in selfishness on my part with a touch of mental illness. He did not kill himself, but always threatened to. The relationship left me devastated when it finally came to an explosive, destructive ending. Because this is the Internet I won't get into details, but I could have written about 80% of your letter.
A few years later I came across a article on subcriminal psychopathy, and was stunned at how perfectly he fit the description. He left a string of victims in a wake of chaos. He hurts everyone he touches.
A couple of things that I learned from this:
- relationships like this are not about the other person, they are about you. Your fantasy-based internet "lover" was simply an extension of the dark places in your own soul. You were exploring them with him as your guide (as he venture deeper into his own cavernous bottomless soul). He was a man without a centre, a hollow shell. Very little truly human about him. Part of you might be like that too. But unlike your lover, you can seal off the door to those dark places. Never go there again. When I was a child, we found an abandoned gold mine in the woods. We were young and daring and would go down into it, never telling our parents where we were. One time, two of us got lost while the third was still above ground. We survived, but really, what was the point of going there? It was too dangerous and we learned nothing useful other than not to go into dark scary places.
- whether or not these guys kill themselves has nothing to do with you. You were not important enough to push him over the edge. He just used you as a means to continue the self-destruction. There were others, you were probably quite insignificant to him, even though he made you feel terribly important. You weren't.
- That you would want to reach out to his wife is really selfish of you. You already insulted her by carrying on with her husband, yet you still have this need to make it about you. Stop thinking about him and examine your own character flaws. I had to, and I was just as punishing on myself. You should try to think about the affair with a modicum of shame and self-reflection. What is instructive is not the lover, but what the relationship reflects back about yourself. He was simply a mirror. Study it.
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Add me to the "Who Fucking Cares?" Camp
[Read the article: The other mothers]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I can't believe that there is an entire book industry dedicated to the minutia of motherhood. Every little aspect of being a mother/working mother/stay at home mother has been fetishized to a point beyond ridiculous. So now there is a book that dedicates at least 100 pages to dissecting how upper-middle class mothers FEEL about their nannies?
I don't care how these women, who have all the choices in the world, feel. What interests me more is how the illegal Mexican nanny who has had to leave her own children behind feels about being paid subsistence wages? Or how the working-poor mother feels about not being able to work at all because of the lack of daycare, period. Or how another working-poor mother feels about having to work nights at a corner store while her husband works days, and then having to haul yourself around all day after not sleeping. So to complain that you feel JEALOUS of your Nanny is whiny and self-indulgent.
Incidentally, I am working-mother who has more choices available to her than almost 90% of working Moms. I pay 45% of my take-home for childcare costs. I pay my childcare provider 25% more than the going rate to insure that she'll stick around, and because I really believe that my commitment to feminism and social and economic equality starts with me and my bank account. The endless navel gazing of upper-class women does little to alert our consciousness to the class implications of hiring other women to mind your children for subsistence wages.
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Music and Sports have to be part of a well-rounded education
[Read the article: My 13-year-old singer wants to quit piano lessons]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]My approach to this is that all kids have to learn about music, either to sing or to play an instrument, as part of their life-long education. That doesn't mean that they have to master an instrument or become a professional, but they have to learn enough to have a proper education in music.
The same holds true for sports. They need to find one thing that they like to do, and then they have to do it.
But you should back off if she wants to drop piano for now. She is obviously loving voice lessons, let her focus on that for now. Tell her she needs to study music in one capacity or another, but the form that it takes is up to her.
And seriously, one extra set of lessons a week, plus one sport lesson/team is enough. Kids are plenty busy with school as it is. Two scheduled activities is the max that you should aim for. Do you really want to spend the entire week in the car? Every dinner is rushed? All your disposible income on lessons? Ditch the piano lessons and take your kid to the movies on Thursday nights instead. Or go out for dinner. Or let her have her friends over.
One more observation - don't be so invested in your kids "potential". No one ever really lives up to it, and that is a GOOD thing. There is so much more to this brief life than living up to potential. Now go waste some time with your kid and spend the piano lesson money on a dumb blockbuster and some popcorn.