Letters to the Editor
Juliebird
Published Letters: 2096 Editor's Choice: 107
-
ok anonymous
[Read the article: Why aren't boys allowed to be victims?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Let's put the teens in charge. Let's see what kind of "functioning society" we have then.
I teach at a university. I have a lot of up-close experience of young adults and their choices, and the consequences. My students come from all walks of life and all social strata. Some have been "helicopter-parented," others have been neglected (or had to be the parent to some really stupid adults). Most fall somewhere in the middle. By and large, most of them make are ready to take care of themselves, but still occasionally make some pretty stupid choices. (BTW, the best decision-makers? Tend to be the students who had age-appropriate limits placed on them by parents and authority figures. IE: people who recognized that teens are not adults).
I shudder to think what university life would be like with students "in charge". Even at 18-22, many still don't see the whole "big picture". (And I *love* the vast majority of my students. They are still open to new ideas, are able to pose questions that challenge me in answering, and can energize me just by being in the class room with them). They aren't ready to be "in charge" yet, and they are mostly over 18.
There is a *world* of difference between an incoming freshman and an outgoing senior, even though both are technically "adults." Generally speaking, the seniors are more sure of themselves, less swayed by what their friends are doing, and much better able to take the long view of things. Part of this is 4 years of experience: the semi-sheltered/semi-independent life in college. But I see a real "settling down" of the self in the older students: they begin to know themselves as individuals, instead of simply in context of being a daughter, son, student, etc.
To then look at high school students or middle-school students and say adults don't give them enough credit for their maturity makes me laugh and makes me scared. No thank you.
The larger point of my posts is this:
Romantic/Sexual relationships between teens and adults represent a failure on the part of the adult. The "adult" is in the wrong. "Even if" the teen pursued the adult. "Even if" the adult said "no" at first. The responsibility for the "relationship" lies with the adult. The minor is a victim. Always.
A tangent:
Note that I say "adult" and not "teacher." While most of this discussion has been about teachers and students, I know of non-teachers who have had "relationships" with young teen boys. Most close to home, my brother was front-man a garage band in high school. The 30- or 40-something mother of the 15 yo base-player let them practice in her garage. She ended up having a "relationship" with the 15 yo drummer that ended her marriage. Ew. (Even today, I can't imagine having the hots for the peer of the kid I'm yelling at to finish his homework or turn his damn music down. Eww.)
To keep the attention focused on teachers neglects the other predatory women who take tadpoling to the criminally unhealthy extreme. Was this band mom an authority figure? Not in the same sense as a teacher. But any adult is an authority figure. They are not any kid's "friend" or peer, "even if" the kid is a "sophisticated" teen.
There needs to be a clear, bright line between these two states (adulthood and adolescence). Sure, all kids mature at slightly variable rates, and some teens are more adult-like than some 40 yos ever will be. The simplest demarcation is 18 years *and* high school graduation. That may not fit every person in the world, but protects the highest number of kids
-
@ Parson Jim, neilpaul and others
[Read the article: Why aren't boys allowed to be victims?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Why is thinking adults can not have a sexual relationship with a minor conflated with treating teenagers as babies? That's a false "if p then q" scenario. It's far more complicated. Rather, Ok'ing sexual contact between aduls and minors is conflating teens with full-fledged adults. As my (and others') posts have tried to explain, that mindset causes great harm.
We are not talking about societies long ago and far away. We are talking about here and now. Lots of things (witch burnings, bathing twice a lifetime, bleeding people with fever, drawing and quartering criminals, slavery, etc etc etc) that were "normal" in earlier times are now no longer acceptable. It's not an argument worth pursuing.
I put " " around the words relationship to show my contempt for the term in this context. An adult having sex with a minor is abuse. An authoritry figure having sex with a person under their care is also abuse, regardless of the age of either participant.
Who on earth suggested doctors, teachers, psychiatrists, etc. can never have sex? Have sex until your eyeballs roll out for all I care, but not with your own students or patients. That should be grounds for revoking of certification/license, IMHO, because it shows a lack of professional objctivity/distance required on the part of the professional.
As for when a person reaches full adult maturity? Part of me agrees that 21 or 22 or 25 might be a more accurate designation point. But, so much of our society would need to change for that to become practible. High schoool graduation (or being 18 and no longer in high school) is the social benchmark for "adulthood": move out of mom and dad's house, go to college, get a job, join the military or the Peace Corps. Any of those experiences should create a more mature, responsible person. So it seems a more realistic benchmark for sexual maturity as well.
It's certainly a simple rule for everyone to follow. And the smaller number of precociously mature 16-17 yos out there have less time to "suffer" being considered "not yet adult" than the larger pool of "ready" 16-18-20 yos would under the higher age demarcation.