Why do we have a wedding? It's supposed to be a gathering of friends and, especially, family, to witness a couple making their marriage vows and shower them with love and gifts for starting out their new life together, which may even provide new little people to carry on the family. The bride gets to wear a pretty dress, but the wedding isn't about her. It's about the marriage, and the continuation of two families with the creation of a new family. And families are about human beings, with all our frailties and weaknesses and strengths and shared love and petty disagreements.

I've never understood why people don't allow children at weddings unless it's to make the wedding a showcase or spectacle rather than a family gathering and celebration.

Cary is precisely right about this. And just as Cary had a hard past that he transcended, your fragile new sister-in-law appears to be facing a hard time that she will have difficulty transcending. Without love and family, she'll have an even harder time.

In the long run, as you and your family and friends reminisce about your wedding, you'll be far happier if you're remembered as a beautiful person rather than a beautiful spectacle. So try to be one.

I've been at weddings where babies and children have been disruptive. I've also been to weddings and funerals where they've been welcome and not a problem whatsoever. Parents who bring small children anywhere need to be respectful of the situation and know when it's time to bring the baby or child away from the situation for a while. My 1, 3 and 5 year old children all attended my sister-in-law's wedding, where my 3-year-old was the flower girl and my 5-year old called himself the "ring master." My job was to have them enjoy themselves properly so they looked adorable for my sister-in-law's photo plans and so they had genuine fun for themselves. During the wedding ceremony, I took the baby out twice as he started to grow restless. He didn't cry at all, and if he didn't particularly enjoy the day, he certainly wasn't uncomfortable or unhappy, and he wasn't a nuisance, either. My husband and I were the ones who needed to be organized and patient, but we lived up to the task. We had lots of toys in the car and took turns sitting in the car when the baby and the 3-year-old took needed naps. They don't remember much of it at all, but my sister-in-law and her husband remember them being a treasured highlight of the wedding, and now that the kids are 21, 23, and 25, they continue to be very close with their aunt and uncle.

The children were a few years older when they attended their grandpa's funeral. My youngest was the one who put his arm around his grandma and his head on her shoulder--a little act that she still treasures.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to help children learn how to act appropriately at weddings and funerals. Just a parent who wants his or her children to grow up as genuinely happy people--meaning people who are comfortable and welcome wherever they go. In my opinion, it's people who dislike children or don't know how to raise them who don't belong at family celebrations.

But regarding the children... if you really want to take control of this, then do so. Hire a babysitter to handle children of close family members, require those in attendance to RSVP with you for babysitting services, and have the kids in a separate location, preferably with some things to do like videos or toys. Let your sister-in-law know that her newborn will be looked after, and invite her to dress up and have some "adult" time for a few hours. That's kind, and that's graceful, and it's hard to imagine being rebuffed.

And that's a lovely way to deal with it when children aren't welcome.

When I got married at age 20, I found out later, one of my husband's aunts used us as a precautionary warning to her son to be careful not to be trapped into marriage like my husband obviously was. She counted the months till the baby came--well, for a while, but we held off on children for almost ten years. And the son whom she had warned never did get trapped into marriage with anyone because he was gay, though he never could tell his mother that, so she died never even knowing him.

One of my closest friends was pregnant at our high school graduation. Her mother-in-law begged our parish priest not to marry her son and "that tramp." She wanted to ensure that he'd qualify for an annulment when he came to his senses. My friend and the baby's father are still married 38 years later.

Trash isn't as easy to identify as one might think.