According to a Rabbi I know, it's not too late for George "Macaca" Allen to have a Bar Mitzva. Under special circumstances, there are times when a person has been separated from his faith due to things beyond his control, he may consult with a Rabbi, take some instruction, and then take his place among Jewish men through the ceremony of Bar Mitzva.

Allen could claim that his famous goy father brainwashed him and turned him into a cracker and never allowed him to know his true Jewish birthright.

Since Allen seems to have recovered his memory enough recently to boast that his family are holocaust survivors (just in time to make some political hay out of it), perhaps he'd like to rejoin the "Lost Tribes."

It could be advantageous if Allen loses to Jim Webb in November. He could renounce his hillbilliness, move out of Crackerville to some place north and trade on his Jewishness the way he's been trading on his phony Crackerness all these years. At least it would be more honest of him to do so.

I find it simply wrong to call Bush Satan. Everybody knows he's the Anti-Christ. Jeez!

Fox 'news'

Somehow, one salient fact has been trampled and forgotten in less than four days:

It was Allen himself who brought this whole thing up by trying to put forward a story about how his grandfather was incarcerated in a Nazi concentration camp.

He put it out there to try to show that his family suffered in the Holocaust. It was then revealed that his mother was Jewish before converting to the Anglican Church. That's what prompted the question at the press conference in which he upbraided a reporter for asking an obvious question about his Jewish background.

From Allen's over-the-top reaction, feigning indignation, was to shrink back in horror, as if someone had asked him, so when did you first learn you had genital herpies?

Allen obviously feels there is something deeply shameful about having Jewish ancestors.

the House and Senate should hold a one-day hands on seminar on how to "professionally" use the waterboard.

If it's so vital that the United States torture prisoners, then maybe our federal legislators should each get their hands dirty just one time.

After all, a member of Congress can request a ride-along on military jets, or a couple of days on an aircraft carrier, or visit any military facility they like and pull the triggers of our latest weapons systems just for "fact finding" purposes.

So let's go, Denny Hastert, Bill Frist, and the rest. Wouldn't you like to experience the thrill of taking some terrified, bound up and helpless human being that you never met and shoving his head under water until he releases his breath and takes in lungs full of water? Then lift him up and drain him out and slap him around a little and tell him that you've got some Delta Force guys on the way to his house and they are going to rape his wife and his children before gutting them open and leaving them to die?

Wouldn't that be fun DOCTOR FRIST? After all, you used to capture and experiment on stray cats when you were pre-med.

Can this really be that much different?

Hi,

I'm a United States Senator. My party affiliation doesn't matter. I see you spent considerable numbers of electrons lamenting that there are no such things as independent Republican senators.

When I finally stopped laughing, I decided to write you here at Salon and give you the short version of how Congress works. I truly hope that you will not be so disillusioned as to go out and hang yourself.

You see Glenn, in my district, the Department of Defense has put two of my best pork assets on the chopping block. I have an Air Force base and a private shipyard that has had huge contracts with the U.S. Navy. I've been fighting like hell to keep those assets from closing.

I've tried everything from doing a favorable cost/benefit study and presenting it to the Pentagon, to almost literally getting down on my knees and begging them not to cut my facilities. All to no avail.

So me and two other senators who are in a similar fight for budget resources saw the perfect opportunity recently when this torture thing came up.

We decided to dig in and refuse to support the President on "Principle." Ha! Oh we had a great time. We gave press conferences in the halls outside the chamber, we went on the Sunday gab shows. We made a big deal out of how we are morally opposed to torture.

Soon we got a lot of phone calls from the White House asking what it is that we wanted in exchange for backing off.

I told them that my state needs that Air Force base and that shipyard. Well, what do you know! Within a week, the Secretary of Defense just happened to take my facilities off the chopping block.

So I decided maybe Bush's torture thing wasn't so bad after all. We reached a "compromise" that gives the President everything he wanted, only phrased differently.

It's a win,win and win. I win because I've got my facilities budget back, I win again because I can say with a straight face "I voted AGAINST torture" (before I voted FOR it! Ha ha ha). And the President wins because he gets to pose for the pictures and act like he strong-armed us in to submission.

About the only guy who didn't win is some poor bastard down at Gitmo who's going to have the crap beat out of him tonight. Quite frankly, I don't care about him.

So there you are Glenn, a short lesson in how Congress works.

Yours Sincerely,

Senator ********