I rejoice with you that things are going so well with the kids. AND that you and R have found each other. Hooray on all those fronts! And fingers crossed for the school selection.

When I read your plans to move so fast, I felt DREAD. (1) I know how hard it is to "uproot" kids. Unless they're bred for it (parents in military etc.) it's an adjustment. High school is such an important time. (2) I know how VERY different 'dating' and 'living together' are, especially once one has lived a bit and has preferences and habits.

Seven months isn't that long - you're still in the glowy phase.

My story: I lived in an allegedly more desirable area but I moved so my (female) partner's daughter could stay put through high school. It's only six more years. My only regret is that I burned too many bridges in the move, reducing our options for later. My advice would be for R to rent his house for 1 year and move in with you and see how that felt for both of you. Not ideal, not romantic, but get through the time when the glow wears off before you decide to uproot the kids. Right now I worry he's having things too much his way.

As a sister feminist I support your right to have the wedding YOU want. Once you've sorted out the rest of this, it'll have been worth waiting for. And the kids will WANT to be in it. Best of luck!

To follow up on MarkB's thoughtful note: for years now I've been sad at what has been done (mostly "overseas") with the defense portion of my proudly paid taxes. I am horrified at what we ask our servicepeople to do, and put up with (to take a less charged example: depleted uranium ammunition is dangerous to our own forces as well as its targets, the farmland where the shells end up, the water that runs through that farmland, the people who drink that water...), to preserve our comfortable petroleum-guzzling "lifestyles".

Between the two Iraq wars I worked with activists trying to change our policies towards the Iraqi people (separate from Saddam). Clearly we didn't do enough. What will it take to stop the torture (of our prisoners AND our servicepeople)?

And why aren't we doing more to reclaim our nation? Is it that we feel powerless, or that we don't care what happens as long as our own comfort is not threatened? To have more effect we individualists will have to work together better than we are now.

I appreciate the way Salon shares its process, stays in dialogues with its critics, and does things no one else is doing. Hint: Premium subs make great gifts!

Thank you Karen for a terrific elegy for Octavia. I will always be grateful for the way she overcame her shyness to do the Guest of Honour things at Readercon in 2002, to speak with grave and prophetic deliberation. And even more than that I am grateful for her work. (And for your own, which is also in my top 10, although I want to argue with the concept of having to pick 10, but still. Thank you.)

A "nonviolent communication" approach is: focus on what you are feeling and needing. And then think of some strategies to meet your needs.

Cary's advice focused on your parents - but I liked the way your letter focused on what YOU need - as a "moral being" - and I'd support your doing more feeling & strategising about that.

As an example of a possible strategy, if I were you I'd be wanting connection with my siblings (both of them) because (1) they are bearing the burden of your parents' aging, and (2) your siblings are going to be around for lots longer. You could offer your sibs support for the stress they are experiencing, or money to help with the parent-related expenses they face, while still observing your parents' no-go zone.

You and your family-of-choice are already role models for the rest of us "lesbian daughters". Thsnks for writing about this.

Wow. Terrific questions Farhad! And thank you, James!

As a history major I am grateful when a strong writer takes the complex facts (Reagan anti-bomb? who knew?!) and shows me how they fit into clear patterns.

Why no letters yet? Was this just posted, or are people just too gobsmacked by it? Where's that Annie Lennox column about gathering in parks on Bastille Day to say (peacefully) "not in my name"?

Seriously, once "we" read this book and mourn, "we" have our work cut out. In my (limited) experience, peace-making is even HARDER than war-making. So my question to the other letter writers is, should we let this pattern, so clearly shown, inform our actions? And if so, how?

Sounds like Phillips has written a terrific bio - and I argue that anyone capable of producing even ONE of Tiptree's most intense stories is not just "nearly great". I hope this book sends a lot of readers back to the greatest of his/her stories (many named in Miller's article). Thank you Laura - Julie - and Alice.

Tiptree/Sheldon's name lives on in an annual award for science fiction and fantasy that "explores and expands gender"; see tiptree.org for details. S/he also dissected imperialism and colonialism with a laser beam.

Even Tiptree's less-than-earthshattering stories are still terrific reads; my own guilty pleasure is "Faithful to thee, Terra, in our fashion" but I hope you'll have your own.